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Why I Don’t Mind When My Teen Daughter Texts Me from School
Mornings at my house can be a chaotic whirlwind. With three daughters ranging from a lively preschooler to a moody teenager, breakfast often turns into a race against the clock. There’s barely enough time to whip up a meal, pack lunches, find matching socks, gather homework, and squeeze in a “good morning” before the day spirals out of control. Add to that the emotional rollercoaster of a bad hair day, the jitters over an upcoming test, or the general teenage grumpiness, and even my most well-meaning words can launch my already tense teenage daughter into a full-blown meltdown.
“Your ride will be here in about five minutes,” I announce from the kitchen, trying to keep my tone calm while the clock ticks mercilessly.
“Don’t you think I know what time it is?” she snaps back from her doorway. I stand there, slicing apples, feeling a mix of frustration and hurt. After three more minutes, she dashes into the kitchen, hastily slaps together her lunch, hoists her oversized backpack over her shoulder, and grabs the bagel and cream cheese I prepared for her. No “Thanks, Mom.” No eye contact. No goodbye kiss.
I swallow my irritation and call out stiffly, “OK, bye then.” She glances back with a dismissive “whatever” smirk. Definitely not the way I envision starting the day.
Turns out, my daughter isn’t keen on that morning vibe either. At 10:37 a.m., right in the middle of her third period, my phone buzzes with a text: sry mom
I can’t help but feel a surge of gratitude that she chose to reach out after such a rocky start. Sure, she’s technically not allowed to text during class, but rather than worry about how she’s managing to sneak her phone past the teacher—Is it hidden under her desk? Is she texting from her silent laptop?—I focus on this rare opportunity to connect. I don’t often reach out during school hours, but I’m not about to ignore her message.
I quickly reply: Me too. What’s up?
A few seconds tick by, and I see the typing dots bouncing as she responds. Moments later, I’m reading about what’s really bothering her beyond my morning reminders. I acknowledge her feelings, offering the understanding that I couldn’t provide earlier amid the morning chaos. I reassure her that we can discuss this further when she’s home. We wrap it up with a kissy face emoji from me and her Bitmoji flashing two thumbs up. While the issue isn’t completely resolved, at least we’ve opened the lines of communication.
Texting acts as a bridge, allowing us to connect in a way that feels safer than facing each other in person. It’s like a cozy blanket that allows us to drop our defenses and be more vulnerable than we might normally be. We can express our thoughts without the distractions or body language that can complicate our interactions.
For those of us navigating the parenting maze in our 40s, digital communication is both a blessing and a curse. We often feel the urge to unplug, even as we find ourselves increasingly enveloped in the digital world. My kids, however, are fully immersed in this realm—texting, Snapchat, Google Hangout, Instagram—this is where they socialize, make plans, tackle homework, and explore their identities.
As a parent of a teenager, ignoring technology as a means of communication feels like missing a golden opportunity. The old ways of connecting that worked so well during childhood simply don’t cut it anymore. While we still have those rare cozy conversations, they’re becoming less frequent—rightfully so, as my daughter ventures into young adulthood. Her peers are now her main focus, and I’ve become more of a sidekick than her go-to buddy. But that doesn’t mean I’m okay with a silent treatment. I’m eager to find new ways to connect, and texting her—even during school—is one of those avenues.
My intention with that reminder about time was to be helpful, but through our texts, she expressed that it made her feel like I didn’t trust her. I let her know that her reaction hurt my feelings. Texting gave us the space to listen and be heard, paving the way for a more constructive conversation later on. Building a strong, honest connection with my daughter during her teenage years is a priority for me—even if it means bending the rules occasionally.
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In summary, while mornings can be chaotic and communication can be tricky, finding new ways to connect with my daughter—even through texting during school—creates valuable opportunities for understanding and growth.