Updated: May 8, 2016
Originally Published: May 8, 2016
I have two daughters who couldn’t be more different, plus a son, but today I want to shine a spotlight on the girls. My eldest is a whirlwind—loud, energetic, and always in motion. People often refer to her as having “character,” a term I usually reserve for unique flavors in wine or coffee. When folks talk about my oldest, some do it with a look of disbelief, while others admire her boisterous spirit. She has a knack for making herself the center of attention wherever she goes.
Then there’s my middle child, who stands in stark contrast to her sister. The term “character” would never cross anyone’s lips when describing her. Instead, I often hear comments like, “She really should assert herself more,” or “She appears to lack a strong opinion.” That’s pretty much what the daycare staff mentioned in her latest evaluation. In a world that cherishes directness and extroversion, my quiet daughter doesn’t quite fit the mold. They labeled her a follower, someone who simply goes along with others instead of making her own choices. Their concern was palpable: “She isn’t interacting with her peers. She just sits there,” they said.
I get where they’re coming from, but it’s worth noting that we’ve inadvertently raised our daughters to be more reserved than our sons, who are afforded the freedom to be vocal and active. Now, we’re trying to encourage our daughters to express themselves confidently and without hesitation. However, with so much emphasis on social development, we often panic a bit when a girl prefers solo play. Sure, some introverted girls, like mine, need encouragement to explore new activities, but they also deserve the chance to engage in quieter play, which allows them to flourish. This creates a dilemma: when do we nudge her to speak up, and when do we simply let her be?
The challenge is, how can we truly understand her needs when her voice is drowned out by more outspoken kids? This constant push for every child to be heard just amplifies the noise in our already boisterous world. For quieter children like my daughter, this can be stifling rather than empowering.
We’re drawn to confident children and, as a result, often worry (unnecessarily, mind you) that our little introverts are “too quiet,” equating silence with a lack of character. Even worse, there’s this unspoken notion that quiet individuals are “boring.”
But I’m here to tell you, there’s no need for worry. My daughter has a wealth of ideas and opinions, and she expresses them in her own way. When she dislikes something, she calmly says “no.” She clearly makes her own choices and rarely throws the dramatic tantrums that her sister is known for. I’ve likened her behavior to a peaceful protest—Gandhi-style. No amount of shouting, pleading, or even somersaults will sway her. Some call it stubbornness, but I prefer to think of it as persistence.
Her generally easygoing demeanor doesn’t equate to being boring or lacking character. In fact, when we describe something as having character, we mean it’s intriguing and a bit mysterious—much like my daughter. She possesses just as much character as her more outgoing peers; it’s just expressed differently. If we stop labeling these kids as “too quiet” and start listening to what they have to say, we’ll see the richness of their personalities.
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Summary:
In a world that often equates loudness with character, it’s essential to recognize the unique traits of quiet children. While my eldest daughter thrives in the spotlight, my middle daughter quietly holds her own opinions and preferences. By understanding and appreciating the value of their different personalities, we can help all children flourish.