Gwyneth Has Truly Outdone Herself With These Outrageously Priced Pleasure Products

home insemination Kit

NASHVILLE, TN – FEBRUARY 12: Mia Paltrow signs her book ‘It’s All Fabulous’ during the 2016 Antiques and Garden Show of Nashville at Music City Center on February 12, 2016, in Nashville, Tennessee. (Photo by Terry Wyatt/Getty Images)

GOOP is now offering a $15,000 solid gold pleasure device, because why not? Gwyneth Paltrow has been delightfully teasing us for years with her lifestyle brand, GOOP. While the site often endorses items like $956 toilet paper and $4,000 juicers, it has seldom dipped its toes into the realm of intimate toys. But when Paltrow discovered the existence of a $15,000 gold dildo, she must have thought, “Why not?”

“For those women who seek the ultimate in opulence, this is the world’s most elite massager.” And let’s be honest: “exclusive” is just code for “ridiculously expensive.” Why settle for a plastic rabbit-shaped vibe when you can have a solid gold one? Did I mention it’s only $15,000? What a steal!

If the price tag of $15,000 makes your wallet quiver or if you’re simply against such extravagant displays of wealth, there’s another option: the Duet 8GB Lux. This unique device can be engraved, charged via your computer, and even store files—because nothing screams “sexy” like a vibrating flash drive! And it’s a bargain at just $219.

Not impressed by a vibrating flash drive? (What’s going on there?), you can always splurge on a $400 necklace that also serves as a vibrator and nipple clamps.

If spending over $400 on pleasure products isn’t quite your style, you can still delve into GOOP’s Sex Issue for some enlightening advice. They consulted a naturopathic expert who aligns with Gwyneth’s clean, organic ethos to break down the nitty-gritty on condoms and lubes, revealing the potential toxins lurking in the everyday items most of us use. Dr. Lucy Hart, N.D., says, “When it comes to lube, if it’s safe to eat, it’s typically safe to apply. If lubrication is necessary, I recommend organic coconut oil, olive oil, aloe vera gel, or almond oil—they are devoid of preservatives and are safe alternatives to standard lubricants.” They even dissect the integrity of latex condoms, so thanks for that, I guess.

Speaking of condoms, they may be toxic minefields, but the naturopath acknowledges their importance. “Condoms are crucial, and I firmly believe the benefits of using them (protection against STIs and pregnancy) far outweigh the risks associated with the chemicals and toxins.” Just make sure to “ideally” find a “vegan, paraben-free, glycerin-free, Nonoxynol-9-free, and benzocaine- and lidocaine-free condom.” Good luck with that; I’m pretty sure those are at your local Rite Aid.

For more on home insemination, check out this informative resource, or if you’re interested in boosting fertility, see this expert site for tips.

In summary, Gwyneth Paltrow has taken the idea of luxury sex toys to a whole new level with her outrageous offerings. Whether it’s the opulent gold dildo or the unconventional vibrating flash drive, GOOP continues to challenge our understanding of intimacy and pleasure.