Updated: Dec. 1, 2016
Originally Published: May 19, 2016
Isn’t it a blast when your child drops a last-minute school event on you? Picture this: your little one breezes out the door, casually mentioning, “Oh, by the way, I have a band concert tonight, and I need to wear dress pants.” Excuse me, what now?
Naturally, my son hasn’t touched dress pants in months, and the pair he does own is three inches too short. So unless this concert is themed around high water, I guess I’m off to find some pants—like, right now. Just a week left of school. Perfect timing.
I’ve decided we should launch an emergency pants drive-thru called “Oh No—Dress Pants?!” for moments like this. Just imagine: simple khaki, black, and blue dress pants for boys. You’d call ahead: “Hi, can you toss some khaki, size 14 slims in my car while I do a drive-by? Thanks!”
But hey, it’s not just the boys causing chaos. My daughter is equally guilty. I’ve spent countless nights at the local drugstore hunting for a medium neon T-shirt because apparently tomorrow is “I’m Too Bright to Do Drugs!” day. Really? You choose to tell me this at 9 p.m. the night before? Got it.
I was venting about this on social media when my friends and I thought, why stop at pants? Why not create a store for all those school “emergencies” we learn about mere minutes before they happen? The name “Oh No—Dress Pants?!” seems a bit too narrow, so we need to brainstorm something broader. Perhaps “Oh No!” or “WTF, Kids?!” or “What Fresh Hell?!” or “You Need What, When?” I’m all ears for suggestions but let’s not overthink it. I’ve got two hours until the concert, and I’m speeding to Old Navy.
This magical emergency store would be run by soothing grandmothers who guide you to these essential items in your child’s size:
- Dress pants
- Dress shoes
- White button-downs
- Black, knee-length skirts
- Black socks
- White tights
- Clip-on ties
- Poster board in every color
- Craft supplies
- Solid-colored T-shirts for “Spirit Day”
- Pajama sets for “Pajama Day”
- A solar system
- A working volcano kit
- Alexander Hamilton costume
- Betsy Ross costume
- Flags from every country
- Teacher gifts
- Various baked goods
- Permission slips
- Pre-filled reading logs
- Pre-signed doctor’s notes (Just kidding. Maybe.)
- Booze (Not kidding, not even a little.)
The store would be open every evening from 6 PM to midnight—right when you discover that surprise event. Little munchkins.
So, write your congressperson, add it to your vision board, or get in touch with Oprah and Shark Tank because we need this to happen. We really do!
For more on family planning, don’t forget to check out this post on home insemination. And for those interested in fertility, you might want to visit Make a Mom for expert advice. Also, this resource on intrauterine insemination is fantastic for anyone looking to expand their family.
Summary:
This article humorously tackles the chaos of last-minute school events and the frantic scrambling parents face when caught off guard. It suggests the opening of an emergency store to cater to kids’ unexpected needs, showcasing a variety of essential items while encouraging readers to embrace the madness of parenting.