And the Ultimate Parenting Stage Is…

Every now and then, I scroll through social media and see friends exclaiming, “OMG! Just met my friend’s newborn, and my ovaries are tingling! Babies are the best!” I can’t help but think, Really? Have you forgotten the leaky breasts, endless spit-up, and the sleep deprivation that’s borderline torturous?

Or how about the mother at the playground waxing poetic about the toddler phase, recalling her child’s “adorable” comments (like the time he dropped an F-bomb in public)? I’m tempted to yell, “Have you forgotten why they’re called threenagers?!”

Then there are those parents who rave about the “totally fabulous” world of raising teens, claiming they can borrow their kids’ clothes and keep up with new slang (like “bae”). Seriously?! You sound absurd saying “totally fabulous.”

The debate over which parenting stage reigns supreme is as contentious as deciding whether to opt for an epidural or buy a toddler an iPad. Gather a group of parents, and you’ll hear a myriad of opinions on the “best” stage. To help settle this debate, let’s break it down.

Baby Stage

Pros: They’re soft, cuddly, and ridiculously adorable. Newborns sleep around 20 hours a day and are easy to transport. Just strap them into their car seat, and off you go to the farmers market or a trendy café—like carrying around a designer handbag, if that handbag weighed 73 pounds.

Cons: Despite their lengthy sleep hours, those zzz’s come in 37-minute bursts—precisely the time it takes a new mom to shower, change out of her spit-up-stained shirt, and gulp down a cup of lukewarm coffee. When they scream in public and neither the bottle nor the breast seems to work, you might find yourself sprinting out of a restaurant, dripping with sweat and leaving half-eaten fries behind.

Toddler Stage

Pros: They’re adorable and learning to walk, often napping, which means you might finally start feeling somewhat human. Plus, they can communicate their needs (“Me want milk!”).

Cons: Everything is a potential hazard—electrical outlets, cleaning supplies, even your lipstick. And while they can express their desires, a meltdown over the color of a sippy cup can last 43 minutes.

Preschool Stage

Pros: A couple of hours of peace while they’re at school in the morning! Plus, they come home ready for a nap and adore you like you’re a rockstar.

Cons: When they’re not napping or in school, they’re like a tornado of energy. Your living space may soon resemble a glitter factory due to their “art” projects, and their mood swings could rival a teenager’s.

Grade School Stage

Pros: This is often dubbed the “sweet spot” where childhood magic thrives. They can dress themselves, handle bathroom business, and even entertain themselves on Saturday mornings. They’re often tech-savvy and can troubleshoot your iPad issues.

Cons: Suddenly, third-grade math is a Herculean challenge, and your living room transforms into a battleground over Saturday morning cartoons.

Tween Stage

Pros: They may not openly despise you.

Cons: They don’t exactly like you either.

Teen Stage

Pros: You can see them evolving into young adults, sharing activities like shopping or attending games together. They’re mostly self-sufficient, handling their homework and social lives.

Cons: Bigger worries emerge: sexting, substance use, and who drained the last of the wine. They can drive themselves, but good luck getting them to remember to fill up the tank. Their language is filled with acronyms and slang, leaving you feeling bewildered. And let’s not even start on the eye-rolls.

So there you have it: the pros and cons of each parenting stage. Does this solve the debate? Not quite. And as for my personal favorite stage? It remains the same as it has for the last decade—I love whatever stage we’re currently navigating.

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Summary

Parenting stages are each filled with their unique mix of joys and challenges. From the cuddly chaos of newborns to the eye-rolling antics of teens, every phase brings its own trials and triumphs. Ultimately, the best stage is the one you’re in right now.