When Your Toughest Parenting Critic Is Your Ex-Husband

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The latest snarky remark I received about my parenting choice was: “I’m sure that chocolate milk pairs wonderfully with the donuts you packed for her lunch.” Can you believe the nerve? Who would criticize a parent for sending their first-grader off with a couple of powdered donuts? Surprisingly, this kind of judgment comes at me almost weekly. Other choices I’ve been roasted over include screen time limits, after-school activities, and outfits. You might wonder why I haven’t just cut this person out of my life entirely. Who needs that negativity, right?

Well, I tried to cut him out when we divorced over two years ago, but I still have to deal with his emails since he shares 50% custody of our children. We even have a court-mandated parenting coach to help us communicate better, but the negativity continues. This is the reality of co-parenting with a narcissist.

As parents, we’re constantly bombarded with conflicting advice on how to raise our kids. From everything like circumcision to college applications, there are opinions everywhere. Thankfully, there are also messages encouraging us to trust our instincts. But show me a mother who doesn’t worry about messing up her child for life, and I’ll show you a unicorn with two heads. Parenting is riddled with doubt, just like Swiss cheese is full of holes.

Anyone with more than one child will agree that each one—regardless of shared genes and environment—is unique, much like snowflakes compared to hailstones. Both are ice, but one melts softly on your tongue while the other might ding your car. Adapting your parenting style takes practice, instinct, and an open mind. Criticism breeds self-doubt, which only undermines our parenting choices.

Usually, criticism comes from sensational headlines or trolls online. Sometimes it’s a thoughtless neighbor, a friend, or even another parent. Often, we amplify our self-doubt with a mental loop of negativity. But the other parent—the one also responsible for the success and failures of our kids—should ideally be our biggest supporter. When the world tells you that you’re a terrible parent, the other half of your parenting team should lift you up, if only to help raise happy, well-adjusted children. After all, you’re supposed to be on the same side—Team Happy Kids.

But when you’re dealing with an abuser or a narcissist, that’s not how it works. In their eyes, the swim goggles you buy are always the wrong type, the winter coat isn’t warm enough, and the movies you choose will always be too inappropriate. Even the chocolate milk will never be an acceptable pairing with those donuts you packed since you know they’re her favorite.

In a strange way, I owe my ex-husband a debt of gratitude. Although he’ll never approve of anything I do as a mother—who sacrificed so much to give birth and breastfeed and stayed home to raise our children—his relentless negativity has made me numb to criticism about my parenting choices.

Strangers might glare at me for taking my 4-year-old to see a movie on a school night? Please. Another parent at preschool might make a passive-aggressive comment about my son being “so lively” when he’s climbing me like a tree? Whatever. I had to think hard to even come up with that example because I’m just not fazed anymore by what others think.

Honestly, I have my judgmental ex to thank. If I can learn to let his contempt slide off me like rain (and I’m still a work in progress), then anyone else’s criticism is just background noise. The one person who should be my partner in raising our kids into happy adults is actively trying to sabotage me, and that pushes me to be better than I might have been. It forces me to tune out the constant stream of competitive nonsense that lurks on my social media feeds and at every dance rehearsal.

I’ve learned to quiet my inner critic, the one that tries to convince me I’m failing when I know I’m genuinely doing my best. Yes, I’m stronger and more confident because I have to be. I can’t afford to second-guess myself because I’m the only one who truly cares about how this all plays out. For more on the topic of home insemination and parenting, check out this insightful post. Additionally, for those seeking to enhance fertility, you can explore options from experts at this link.

In summary, navigating parenting with an ex-husband who criticizes every decision can be challenging, but it can also build resilience and confidence. Every negative comment is an opportunity to strengthen your own convictions and focus on what truly matters: raising happy, healthy children.