The Secret to Easing Tantrums Might Just Be to Join In On the Drama

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We’ve all experienced those moments when time is of the essence—whether you’re racing to the store, school, or home for dinner—and suddenly, your child erupts into tears over what seems like an utterly trivial matter. Maybe the wrong song is playing on the radio, or, in the case of my three-year-old, the unfortunate absence of unbroken crackers in their snack mug.

As a mom, my typical reaction to these seemingly absurd meltdowns is to tell my kids to just get over it or to emphasize that there are far more pressing concerns in the world while cranking up the radio. However, one child psychotherapist suggests that the true solution to temper tantrums might not lie in trying to broaden their perspective but rather in validating their feelings, no matter how insignificant they may seem.

A Different Approach

Take the experience of Sarah Thompson, a writer who picked up her son from school only to find him on the brink of a meltdown over a delayed school fundraiser prize. Instead of resorting to her usual approach of downplaying the importance of a late frisbee, she chose a different path—she agreed with him that the delay was indeed a major disappointment. To her surprise, his tears quickly subsided, and he moved on to ask for a piece of gum.

After several days of empathizing with her kids during their moments of distress, Sarah noticed a consistent pattern. When she acknowledged their frustrations—no matter how minor—they seemed to bounce back much faster than when she attempted to reason with them. Curious if she had stumbled upon a magical remedy for tantrums, she consulted with Laura Jenkins, a child and adolescent therapist and author of The Joyful Kid Handbook: Nurturing Happiness in a Chaotic World.

Understanding Through Validation

Laura asserts that validating a child’s feelings before a meltdown can prevent it altogether. “Kids often feel unheard and misunderstood,” she explains. “When we acknowledge their feelings with a simple, ‘That’s really tough,’ it makes them feel like someone actually gets it.” It’s less about solving the problem and more about making sure your child feels validated. “You’re not fixing the situation, but you’re recognizing that it’s tough for them,” Laura adds. “Allowing them to feel upset is key.”

It may sound odd to sympathize with my son over his distress at not finding a stuffed toy, especially when his toy collection is overflowing, but being heard can make a world of difference—even if the situation remains unchanged. Just like how I often find myself texting a friend to vent about the chaos of our homes and the antics of our kids, sharing those small annoyances can lighten the emotional load we carry. While it doesn’t magically make the kids clean up their toys or do the dishes, it does create a sense of camaraderie that can help us cope.

The Power of Empathy

If simply feeling understood is enough to keep me from throwing my own tantrum, perhaps this approach can work wonders for the little ones too. After all, traditional methods like yelling or ignoring tantrums haven’t yielded great results. Maybe a little empathy is exactly what we need to reduce those outbursts.

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Conclusion

In summary, recognizing and validating your child’s feelings during a tantrum may be the key to helping them move past it more quickly. This empathetic approach can foster a sense of understanding and connection, making emotional outbursts easier to manage.