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The Month I Anticipate with Hesitation
“Mama, waiting for a new baby is really tough,” my 3-year-old announces from the backseat during our grocery store run. With her innocent words, she captures the swirling emotions that I carry with me every day.
“Yes, it is tough,” I respond, feeling the weight of her simplicity. The struggle feels especially real when the journey to conceive a second child is proving to be longer than I ever imagined.
With my first pregnancy, my partner and I were blissfully unaware of the complexities that can accompany such an experience. One month, we decided to stop using protection, and the following month, I was greeted by two pink lines on a pregnancy test. I emerged from the bathroom with a grin, holding the stick like a trophy: “We’re going to have a baby!” It all seemed so effortless back then—no worry, no frantic Googling, just pure joy.
My first pregnancy went smoothly, and nine months later, I welcomed a beautiful daughter into the world. We navigated parenthood in a sleepy haze fueled by coffee and love. As our clingy baby morphed into a fun-loving toddler, we decided it was time to add to our family. After all, I thought, why wouldn’t it work out like the first time? I did the math in my head: if we conceived in August or September, we’d have another summer baby. Perfect! We could reuse our daughter’s seasonal hand-me-downs and the cozy newborn sleep sacks made for warm weather.
When my period arrived the first month, I was taken aback. But as the months rolled on, what began as confusion swiftly morphed into disappointment and anxiety. Each month, I found myself convinced I was pregnant. Just days before my period, I’d scrutinize every little sign. Oh, a nap? Must be a pregnancy symptom! Three bathroom trips last night? Definitely pregnant. I pored over WebMD’s list of early pregnancy signs, and somehow, I managed to convince myself I had them all. The mind is indeed a powerful thing, but it’s not quite capable of manifesting a pregnancy.
The day I dreaded each month was the one my period showed up. Along with the usual cramps came tears and a deep ache in my throat that was hard to ignore. Hope is exhausting, but waiting? Even tougher. I never anticipated this lengthy delay in expanding our family.
Five months later, I finally saw those familiar two pink lines again. Skeptical, I took three pregnancy tests that weekend to confirm. It was mid-December, and on Christmas morning, my partner and I shared the happy news with our entire family—another grandchild was on the way! We were thrilled, and our almost 3-year-old couldn’t stop chattering about the new baby.
But just two weeks later, we faced heartbreak when we lost that baby.
Now, four months post-miscarriage, I still grapple with unexpected sadness. It’s not the first thing on my mind when I wake up; if I’m honest, all I usually think about is how I wish I could catch a few more minutes of sleep. Yet, that underlying sadness remains, like a bruise you can’t see until you poke it—then it stings.
It’s been nearly ten months of desperately wanting another baby. I’ve found myself searching online for answers, stumbling upon terms like “secondary infertility.” After some blood work, my doctor reassured me that medically, there’s no reason to suspect we can’t conceive again. While I wouldn’t say we’re dealing with infertility, it feels like we’re caught in the confusing limbo of waiting for something to happen without clear answers.
“It can take an average, perfectly healthy couple anywhere from 6 to 12 months to conceive,” my OB said one day, as I sat in a paper gown, grappling with those words. I’m still unsure whether that’s meant to be comforting or disheartening.
As we arrive at the grocery store, I unbuckle my little girl from her seat, and she hops down, her curls bouncing cheerfully. I spot a pregnant woman getting out of her car next to us, her belly clearly visible beneath her stretchy pants. She smiles at me, and I manage a halfhearted nod in return. As I place my hand on the empty space below my belly button, I realize I would have been five months pregnant today.
My heart aches as I acknowledge that emptiness. My daughter tugs on my hand, pulling my focus back to the store. “Can we get Cheerios?” she asks, her voice bubbling with excitement. I smile, loving that she still views Cheerios as a special treat.
“Of course,” I reply, lifting her into the cart.
I know the immense gift of being a mom, and I cherish my daughter. Yet, there’s a deep longing for another baby that’s hard to reconcile. Gratitude and desire coexist, but sometimes they feel at odds. I have one adorable child, but that doesn’t diminish my yearning for another.
Despite the questions and the longing, hope flickers within me. Perhaps that’s part of the challenge—every month, I hope for a positive pregnancy test, and every month, I face disappointment.
For those navigating a similar journey, check out this excellent resource for pregnancy and home insemination at RMANY. And if you’re considering ways to boost your chances, look into Make a Mom’s artificial insemination kit. You can also explore insights on intracervical insemination for more information.
In summary, the emotional rollercoaster of trying to conceive a second child can be challenging, filled with hope, disappointment, and longing. While navigating this journey, it’s crucial to find support and resources that can help guide you along the way.