What I Wish I Could Have Shared with My Mother Before She Left This World

home insemination Kit

Some days feel like an eternity since you departed, even though it’s only been 11 years. Other days, it’s as fresh as the moment I saw that nurse in her teal scrubs shake her head and utter the words that still haunt me: “She’s gone.” In that instant, you vanished from my life, leaving me bereft of the chance to express all the things I desperately wished to say.

You always thought I was a daddy’s girl, but that changed when I entered high school. It happened so gradually that we both overlooked it. You were my steadfast support during those years, though I never acknowledged it. You were not just my mother; you were also my best friend. Not my classmates like Jenna or Lila—they were my partners in mischief—but you, Mom, were my confidante. You were the one I went dress shopping with, the one I skipped school with, the one I crafted spirit apparel with. No one has ever filled the void you left, and I know no one ever will.

Remember when I was in middle school and begged to stay over at friends’ houses? You thought I was embarrassed about our home or, worse, about you being sick. I insisted that wasn’t true, but I never clarified just how mistaken you were. I could never be ashamed of you. Your illness was part of your journey, but it never defined you. You lived fully despite your pain, loved fiercely in the face of sorrow, and even as your body weakened, your spirit soared. I just wish I had found the words to tell you how proud I was of you.

I noticed the sacrifices you made, even though I never voiced my gratitude. You wore clothes that had seen better days so I could have new outfits. You scraped together change to send me out with friends, ensuring I never missed out. You took me to football games and shopping trips, even when all you wanted was a nap. You poured everything you had into me, and I regret not saying thank you more often. I find myself whispering those words when I visit your grave.

You were always my number one, Mom. The sun rose and set on you, though your modesty kept you from seeing it. At 18, I wasn’t one for deep conversations, but now I am. I can’t count how many times I’ve uttered how much you meant to me, especially when grief hits me unexpectedly. I know I’m speaking to a memory, but I like to pretend you can hear me. It helps me cope in my lonelier moments.

To me, you embodied everything good in this world. You were love, kindness, and the warmth of gravy and biscuits on a Sunday morning. You were the encouragement during my toughest times, the laughter that chased away my tears, and the sweet treats I craved after school. You were my home and safety net. You were everything I wanted to hold onto forever, and I never told you.

Now, I can’t. You rest in a place beyond my reach, while I navigate a world that you’ve left behind. So, I’ll do the next best thing: I’ll carry your love into every interaction I have. I’ll smile through my pain and rise every time I fall. I’ll strive to be the kind, loving, and passionate person you taught me to be. It’s the least I can do.

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Summary

Reflecting on the deep bond shared with a mother who has passed, the author expresses regret over unspoken words and missed opportunities to convey love and gratitude. The piece captures the essence of a mother’s sacrifices, the unique friendship that developed, and the lasting impact she had on the author’s life. Now, the author aims to honor her memory by embodying the values and kindness she instilled.