Navigating the Awkwardness of Strangers Mistaking My Postpartum Body for Pregnancy

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Ah, the moment you find out you’re expecting! Exciting, right? But brace yourself because suddenly, it seems everyone feels entitled to comment on your life and ask personal questions. People who wouldn’t have given you a second glance at the grocery store are now doling out unsolicited parenting advice in the snack aisle. And if you’re really lucky, you might even experience the bizarre phenomenon of a stranger patting your stomach without permission.

Honestly, I find it astonishing. Just because there’s a little one growing inside you, some believe it’s acceptable to invade your personal space. Imagine me standing in line at the deli, turning to a random woman and saying, “I love your shoes!” before proceeding to rub her belly and shoulders. She’d probably scream, punch me, or call security—who knows? But one thing’s for sure: she’d think I’m completely out of my mind. You just don’t go around touching people!

Once you’re pregnant, all the rules seem to fly out the window. Thankfully, I don’t give off a “please engage with me” vibe. By the end of my second pregnancy, my expression could only be described as a frown. Let’s say my tolerance for nonsense was nonexistent, and I only endured a handful of unsolicited touches—mostly from some overly enthusiastic grandmothers at the library when I was just trying to enjoy a day out with my son.

And the questions! Oh, the endless questions! Pregnant or not, you spend your days fielding inquiries about your life. While you’d think the arrival of your little one would quiet the chatter, it merely shifts to new topics. You might imagine life after baby will be a sitcom of awkward exchanges, and you wouldn’t be far off.

My postpartum body? A total stranger to me. I can only relate to Santa—buff arms and legs but a jolly little belly. I’m back to climbing stairs like a pro, yet my midsection seems to have decided to stick around longer than expected. I look a bit pregnant again, but there’s no category for that in Cosmo’s dress-for-your-body-type guide. After taking their quiz, I think I ended up with options like a poncho or a ghost costume.

The postpartum phase is awkward whether you admit it or not. Here’s a funny story from my own life: I was at work, surrounded by my colleagues when a nurse called out, “Are you already on No. 3? Trying to break a record?” My face turned crimson as I stammered, “Not pregnant. Just fat. Haha.” But she kept on talking about my “third baby” and when it’s due. I think I blacked out, scanning for an exit.

“Oh my god, Jamie! You look fantastic!”
“Jamie, you just had two kids!”
Thanks, but save the compliments for someone who needs them. The postpartum struggle is legit! I’ve been congratulated on being “pregnant” at least 30 times since having my second child—clearly, I’ve become a professional in handling this.

So, if you find yourself in a similar situation, here are some snappy comebacks for when someone mistakenly thinks you’re expecting:

• Them: When’s your due date?
  You: I’m due to take a break at 9 a.m.
• Them: How many months along are you?
  You: I’m 360 months old.
• Them: Congratulations!
  You: Thanks! I wasn’t sure I’d finish that burrito, but I made it happen.
• Them: Is it a boy or a girl?
  You: It’s actually a gluten intolerance I acquired from two years of pregnancy. So, enjoy that!

At the end of the day, it doesn’t really matter. Those joyful little faces are worth any battle scars I might carry from childbirth, whether physical or emotional. I just look at all the silly comments and realize they don’t hold that much weight in the grand scheme of things.

I dream of a world where mothers embrace every sign of having had a baby as a badge of honor. After all, I delivered two 10-pound babies, confirming my status as a total badass.

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Summary:

Navigating the unsolicited comments and questions about your body during and after pregnancy can be daunting. Embrace the awkwardness with humor and don’t let others’ perceptions dictate your feelings about your post-baby body. Celebrate your journey, and remember that every mark is a testament to your strength.