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Why I Stopped Letting My Boys Off the Hook When It Comes to Chores
Recently, my 9-year-old son, Jake, had a playdate with two of his buddies. They spent the afternoon in our living room, engrossed in video games, tossing a ball, chowing down on snacks, and, well, acting like adorable little tornadoes. After they left, I walked into the disaster zone and nearly collapsed from shock. The room reeked of dirty socks and cheesy snacks. Couch cushions were askew, pillows were strewn across the floor, a cup of juice had turned into a mini waterfall on the coffee table, and snack wrappers were everywhere.
“Hey, buddy,” I said to Jake, “you can’t just leave the living room like this!”
“Uh, I’m tiiiiired,” he replied, flashing that irresistible grin that melts my heart.
Sure, I get it. School days are long, and he had homework waiting for him. Plus, playdates are essential for their social development, even if it mostly consists of gaming and joking around. The mess? Well, that’s par for the course with young boys.
However, I realized I had been making endless excuses for him. At 9 years old, it’s high time he learned to take responsibility, especially for the messes he creates. Don’t get me wrong—Jake does have chores, but I often find myself reminding him multiple times to put his clothes in the laundry, clear the table, or tidy his room. Sometimes we argue about it, and more often than I’d like to admit, I end up cleaning up after him.
The tasks I ask him to do aren’t rocket science, but I often choose to do them myself because it’s just easier. I recognize this is a bad habit and maybe even an award-winning “Worst Mom of the Year” moment.
I can’t help but wonder if I would behave differently if I had girls instead of boys. Am I unconsciously giving my sons a free pass because of some outdated belief that boys shouldn’t be expected to help out at home? Intellectually, I know that’s not true, but it makes me question how I might treat a daughter. Would she automatically understand that contributing to household chores is a non-negotiable part of family life?
That’s it—no more excuses. I’m done being their cleanup crew. Sure, it might be quicker to just pick up their messes and avoid a morning battle when we’re already running late. But consistency matters. It’s not just about the present; it’s about how my boys will grow into men who understand the importance of sharing responsibilities at home. I want them to be the kind of partners who step up without needing to be asked. I’m lucky to have a husband who embodies this mindset, and I’ll be darned if I don’t raise my boys to be the same.
Most importantly, if I continue to play the role of their maid, they’ll grow up with a skewed perception of motherhood and women in general. I want them to feel loved and nurtured, but I also want them to see me—and women everywhere—as strong individuals who advocate for themselves and don’t crumble under pressure.
In the end, it didn’t take much for Jake to clean up the living room. When he initially protested, I decided to be straightforward. Instead of threatening to limit his screen time the next day, I looked him in the eye and explained that this wasn’t just about the mess; it was about him growing up to be a good man who doesn’t leave all the household chores to his partner.
“Time to man up,” I said, giving him a playful nudge. Somehow, that did the trick. He cleaned up without much fuss. And when I discovered an empty chip bag lurking behind the couch, I resisted the urge to toss it in the trash myself. Instead, I made him fetch it.
Then, because I can’t resist being a little mushy, I showered him with kisses and thanked him for being such a good kid.
I’m committed to ensuring my boys take responsibility around the house. It’s not enough to raise them to be smart or kind; we need to instill in them the habit of pitching in at home, doing so without being asked, and recognizing their role as equal members of the household. We owe it to ourselves, our boys, their future partners—and of course, our perpetually messy homes.
Summary:
In this piece, Lisa Thompson reflects on her decision to stop giving her sons, like Jake, a free pass when it comes to chores. While acknowledging the importance of playdates and the challenges of managing household responsibilities, she emphasizes the need for her boys to learn accountability and contribute to family life. By fostering these values, she hopes to raise them to be respectful partners in the future.