The Impact of Being a Stay-at-Home Mom on My Marriage

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I found myself on the edge of a conversation after an evening with some intellectuals. “I’ll wrap up the year,” I declared, “but I won’t be returning. I want to be home with the baby.” My husband, Jake, nodded, and just like that, I decided to leave my PhD program to care for a little one. Our plans for adoption didn’t go through, but surprise, surprise—I got pregnant during the final month of my last semester. The joy was overwhelming, soon followed by sheer panic when I faced a threatened miscarriage. When the ultrasound revealed the heartbeat, I cried—not because I was thrilled, but because I still had morning sickness. I struggled with prenatal depression, and while Jake tried to be supportive, he was equally confused and stressed. We felt like a disjointed team.

Throughout that pregnancy, I was bedridden. It was odd to step away from the bustling academic world, watching it continue without me while Jake returned to teaching. Suddenly, he had a classroom full of eager minds, while I had… nothing. I felt useless, which left him baffled. He was bringing in the income; I was just growing a baby. Despite his reassurances that I wasn’t a burden and needed my rest (which was true), I couldn’t shake the feeling of being a drag on our family.

The following year was a different story. I certainly had a role: childcare. As Jake headed off to school, I was left with a tiny human who would surely perish if I left him unattended. The thought terrified me. I didn’t know how to care for an infant, so I strapped him to me in a Moby wrap and wandered the house, trying to find my footing. I ironed clothes, which felt productive, but Jake didn’t grasp the gravity of my fear. “Just take care of him,” he said, puzzled. “What’s so scary about that?” That lingering resentment brewed for years, stemming from his failure to understand the mental toll of being alone with a baby.

Gradually, I found my footing as I connected with other moms and gained confidence. I missed the rhythm of academic life, yet I lived vicariously through Jake. Meanwhile, he became increasingly concerned about finances, wills, and other adult responsibilities. I struggled to keep up and pushed back when he prompted me to take care of basic tasks like signing checks. Financial discussions sparked panic in me and paternal frustration in him. It wasn’t his fault; I was just feeling lost.

I got pregnant again, and then again. I’d been ill during my first two pregnancies, but I managed. With the second baby, we were ready; however, with baby number three, it was a different ball game. Anti-nausea meds knocked me out for 16 hours a day, leaving Jake scrambling to find babysitters. I felt like a stay-at-home mom without the “mom” part. Watching him take adorable Easter photos of the kids through the window made me weep. I felt like dead weight. Jake sympathized with my struggles but couldn’t understand why I felt so inadequate.

When the baby finally arrived, I was frustrated by how quickly Jake returned to work. I had just given birth and was left alone with a toddler and a newborn. My body was weak, and I felt overwhelmed. He wished I could see that he couldn’t take more time off, and our shared resentment made those early days tumultuous. Simple tasks like making dinner felt monumental; we were not functioning as a couple or a family.

But things improved. We eventually settled into a rhythm. I embraced the role of a stay-at-home mom, participating in homeschool co-ops and babywearing meetups for social interaction. Jake praised my writing, often saying, “You do so much.” I would raise my eyebrows, skeptical of my contributions. We disagreed on household responsibilities—he thought I did too much while I felt I did too little. Despite our differing views, our love for each other persevered. We managed to navigate our marriage through these complexities, and that’s truly all I could ask for.

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In summary, being a stay-at-home mom significantly impacted my marriage, leading to challenges as Jake and I navigated our new roles. Though we faced frustrations and misunderstandings, our relationship ultimately grew stronger through love and adaptability.