What I’ve Discovered Since My Tween Son Came Out to Me

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“Hey mom, I’ve been keeping something from you for a while, but it’s time you know: I’m gay. I didn’t quite have the guts to tell you face-to-face, so let’s chat about it at Bob’s Furniture.” This was the text I received from my then 11-year-old son, Tommy, about a year and a half ago. I was driving when it pinged, and like any responsible parent, I didn’t check my phone. Moments later, I answered his call through my hands-free Bluetooth. He wanted to know if I saw his text. I told him I’d look at it later and asked if he and his sister were ready for our dinner outing and a mattress shopping spree.

After pulling over, I read his message and felt a wave of panic wash over me. I called my husband, and we shared an anxious moment—not out of hatred or bigotry, but from fear of what this could mean for our son’s future and his safety.

When I picked up the kids, I simply said, “I love you, and that will never change.” It seemed sufficient for the moment, and we didn’t delve deeper that night.

In the days that followed, we had a lot of conversations. I learned that Tommy was already somewhat out at school, where most of his friends were supportive. He even had friends by his side when he sent that text. Surprisingly, he had confided in his younger sister about six months earlier.

My husband and I processed this news at our own pace, each grappling with different concerns and feelings. Our worries revolved around his safety, mental well-being, and the unpredictable nature of his future. We sought support by joining PFLAG, where we connected with others who had walked similar paths. It was reassuring to know we could also lend a helping hand to those in the same boat.

Fast forward a year and a half, and we’ve realized that this revelation isn’t such a monumental shift in many ways. We still worry about the day he might face real hatred or discrimination. We’ve agreed that as long as he feels equipped to handle the mean comments at school, he can manage those. However, should any hint of violence arise, he knows to reach out to us immediately.

Our fears have eased a bit; the world may not be perfect, but it’s certainly more accepting than it was in our own youth. As Tommy approaches his teenage years, we find ourselves navigating the complexities of dating as he develops a crush on a male friend. This friend isn’t openly gay, and I’m left wondering how to help Tommy figure out if he’s interested. Can you just ask? This is territory I never imagined I’d have to guide my kids through.

Yet, in many ways, it’s not so different from any other teenage crush. Recently, a bisexual friend asked Tommy if they’d make a cute couple, and I helped him navigate that conversation. It’s the same principle as if he were straight, reassuring friends about the boundaries of their relationship.

Where are we a year and a half later? We’re still having the same conversations about dating rules, being respectful partners, and dreaming about Tommy’s future. Rather than discussing a future wife, we talk about the possibility of a husband. We even joke about his interests, playfully pointing out the stereotypical and non-stereotypical things about him.

Not everything is straightforward, though. Most of our family is unaware of his sexuality. While I believe they’ll ultimately be supportive, we do have a few very conservative relatives. When and how (or if) Tommy chooses to come out to them is a decision only he can make. Until then, we remind him we’re behind him no matter what. We try to remain calm when grandma inquires if he has a girlfriend and use gender-neutral terms for his future love interests.

What’s changed is significant, but the core of our love for Tommy remains steadfast. It’s a lesson I’ve internalized: I love my son unconditionally, regardless of who he loves.

Postscript

I wrote this piece shortly before the horrific Orlando nightclub shooting on June 12, 2016. In light of that tragedy, I feel compelled to add more. The hope I expressed has now been tinged with a sense of dread. Just a week before, I had reached a place of acceptance—that Tommy being gay wasn’t such a big deal and that society was largely supportive. But the shooting shattered that sense of security. Now, I see my son as a potential target, simply for being himself.

This is the reality for LGBTQ individuals and their loved ones: a constant awareness of hate and the potential for violence. Because Tommy isn’t openly out yet, there are few people I can discuss my fears with, but I strive to maintain a façade of calm for his sake. Perhaps one day, that peace will return.

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In summary, my journey since my son came out has been one of learning, acceptance, and continued love. We navigate the complexities of his identity together, all while recognizing that, at its core, our bond remains unchanged.