After my third date with Jake—a charming, witty data analyst and wine aficionado I’d met on a dating app—my single-mom status and dating life were once again subjected to scrutiny. I’ve lived in the same picturesque cul-de-sac for over ten years, surrounded by young families who all know my story.
Jake rolled up on his sleek motorcycle and parked it in my driveway, a rare sight in my neighborhood. It was his first visit, but certainly not the first unusual vehicle to spend the night. After we shared a goodbye kiss, I headed towards my mailbox, only to hear my neighbor, who was wrangling her three kids, teasingly ask, “Not going to say anything? Just going to keep your head down?” I’ve known her for years, and while I’m sure she meant no harm, her words cut deep, suggesting I had something to be ashamed of.
The first time I faced shame for dating post-divorce was two years ago, sitting with my best friend of three decades in a diner. When I excitedly shared about a new guy, she fidgeted with her silverware, not uttering a single word or asking a follow-up question. Later, she bluntly stated she didn’t want to hear about my dating life at all. Another friend’s boyfriend even called me a “slut” after catching wind of my dating escapades. Over these past two years of single life, I’ve been the punchline in jokes about my active dating and sex life. I laugh along, but inside, it stings. It’s painful to feel judged, and even more so when the only way my friends acknowledge this chapter of my life is to make light of it.
Dating has become a central part of my life, whether I like it or not. I’ve tried to share my experiences with my married friends, but conversations often go silent. The few who are still in the dating game—some single guy pals and other women—are a rarity for me at 38, fresh from a 13-year long relationship. This disconnect has caused many of my friendships to fade; when I try to talk about my dating life, I’m often met with blank stares and awkward silence.
Divorce has a way of stripping your life down to its essentials, and this painful process reveals just how many connections can be lost. Your spouse is just the first of many who exit your life; in-laws, parts of your children’s lives, and various friend groups will often take sides. Once the dust settles, you realize some friends drift away simply because they struggle to grasp your new reality.
The last time I was single, I was in my early twenties, when the pain of being overlooked by a guy at the gym warranted a night out with cocktails. Now, at 38 with two kids, the heartbreaks hit harder. In the last two years, I’ve felt genuine heartbreak three times—one from a nine-month relationship, another from a seven-week fling, and the last after just four weeks. Even though these were short-lived, they left their mark. By the time the third heartache rolled around, no one was around to sip wine and listen to the saga of my disappointments.
I understand my friends are busy with their own lives, filled with spouses and kids. I’ve been there, and I don’t blame them. But this is the lonely truth for a single woman in her late thirties navigating the dating scene. You either find a new circle of friends who understand your journey, or you brave the path alone.
In these two years, I’ve never felt more isolated. Yes, I made the choice to leave my marriage after a year of therapy that led nowhere. Staying was an option, but I wasn’t willing to take that road. So, I risked everything for a shot at happiness. When Jake and I relax on my deck sipping mimosas, discussing life, and he compliments my intelligence and beauty, I feel a fleeting happiness. It’s a reminder that, even if temporary, someone sees my worth.
I anticipated my divorce would upend my family life—my ex won’t speak to me, I see my kids half the time, and my in-laws cut ties the moment I filed. What I didn’t foresee was how my friendships would morph into something unfamiliar.
Divorce distills your life to its core elements, and while that process can be painful, it’s essential for finding happiness again. To discover that joy, you must sift through the noise and uncover the essence of who you are. Only then can others truly see you, which is all you’ve ever desired.
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Summary
Divorce can drastically reshape the landscape of friendships, often leaving individuals feeling isolated and judged. As one woman navigates the challenges of dating after divorce, she reflects on the painful process of losing friends and the struggle to connect with those who can understand her new reality, ultimately realizing that true happiness lies in being seen for who she is.