5 Things a Grieving Parent Wishes You’d Keep to Yourself

In 2013, I received the life-altering news that I was expecting triplets. My partner and I were ecstatic after years of battling infertility. But as soon as the news spread, the unsolicited reactions began pouring in: “Triplets?! How will you manage that?” or “Wow, glad that’s not me!” I thought I had heard it all until the unimaginable happened—two of my precious triplets passed away.

On June 23, 2013, I gave birth to my triplets, born over four months premature. My daughter, Lily, died that very day, and my son, Noah, passed away just shy of two months old. Before this, I had no understanding of child loss; it was a journey I never wanted to embark on. Sadly, I discovered that some comments, though made with good intentions, can cut deeper than words can express. Here are five things a grieving parent doesn’t want to hear:

1. “Everything happens for a reason.”

This phrase can feel like a punch in the gut for those of us who have lost a child. Life doesn’t always make sense, and sometimes, there’s just no logic behind the heartache. I often hear variations like, “God only gives us what we can handle.” But after losing my children, I realized that it’s not about what we can handle; it’s about how we handle what life throws our way.

2. “They’re in a better place.”

Really? This statement often leaves me feeling even more devastated. After longing to have children for so long, I wanted nothing more than to hold my babies in my arms. Parents should never have to say goodbye to their children.

3. “At least you have one child. Count your blessings.”

So, having one child makes losing the others any less painful? I consider myself an optimist, but even two years later, I still feel the void left by Lily and Noah. Yes, I’m grateful for my miracle child, but she should be sharing her life with her siblings, not just waving at their photos and blowing kisses to the sky.

4. “You’re still young; you can have more kids.”

Age doesn’t factor in when it comes to the emotional scars of loss. Many people don’t understand the journey some couples take to conceive. For those who have faced infertility or loss, the thought of trying again can be terrifying. I almost lost my life after delivering my children, and that experience is something that stays with you.

5. “I can’t imagine how you do it. I couldn’t bear losing two kids.”

Some days, I can’t fathom how I carry on either. Yet, we find ways to adapt and create a “new normal.” Hearing this comment is a stark reminder of our grief and the children we will forever miss.

So, what should you say to someone grieving? While no words can truly ease the pain, simply being there for them is invaluable. For me, the most comforting thing is when someone acknowledges my angels. Saying Lily and Noah’s names and asking about them can bring warmth to my heart, reminding me that they did leave a significant mark in this world.

If you’re looking for more information on navigating pregnancy or loss, check out this excellent resource on pregnancy from the CDC. For those navigating fertility challenges, consider visiting Make A Mom for some helpful fertility supplements to boost your chances.

In summary, while everyone means well, some phrases can be unintentionally hurtful. Instead, offer support and open dialogue about the lost little ones, ensuring their memories live on.