Research indicates that comforting a distressed child is more beneficial for their long-term emotional health than instructing them to be tough or simply get over it. One of the most challenging aspects of parenting is the uncertainty about whether your methods will cultivate a well-adjusted adult or provide future material for therapy sessions. This doubt is amplified when your child is in tears over what seems to you like a minor issue.
When your little one reacts to a scraped knee as if it’s a calamity or sobs inconsolably because their favorite truck is missing (which is inevitably under the couch), it’s all too easy to roll your eyes and suggest they toughen up. However, studies show that adopting a “suck it up” parenting style may lead to significant emotional challenges for children later on.
Writer Lisa Harper, concerned about possibly overindulging her five-year-old, consulted child psychologists to explore whether a tough-love approach might be more effective. The results were clear: it’s not. In a study involving 33 preschoolers, researchers found that children whose parents responded harshly to their negative emotions tended to have more frequent meltdowns and intense emotional reactions. They concluded that kids who weren’t comforted when upset struggled to behave in socially appropriate ways.
The notion that boys should suppress their tears and “act like men” is utterly misguided. A 2015 study revealed that male college students who faced punishment from their mothers for expressing upset emotions experienced greater anger management issues than those whose mothers offered support when they were young. Interestingly, college women who faced similar punishments only exhibited anger issues with their mothers if their adult relationships were strained.
Beyond academic studies, the common sense approach of comforting your child makes intuitive sense. Sure, it can be frustrating to console a child still crying over spilled milk five minutes later, especially when there’s dinner to prepare and laundry to tackle. Yet, as adults, we routinely seek and provide emotional support for ourselves in both trivial and significant matters. Think about those silly squabbles with colleagues that you dissect with your partner for reassurance or the passionate debates you have with friends regarding the latest episode of your favorite show. Ultimately, regardless of age, we all want to feel that our feelings and thoughts hold value.
Developmental psychologist Emily Carter offers a reassuring perspective for those moments when your child is having a meltdown in the middle of a busy store. “Children need to learn to express their emotions and how to handle them, which fosters resilience,” she explained. “Remember, emotions are never the enemy, even when they seem exaggerated.”
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In conclusion, adopting a nurturing approach to parenting not only supports your child’s emotional development but also equips them with the resilience they need for life’s challenges.