What Occurs Every Time I Attempt to Diet

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My only child is nearly 5, and I still haven’t shed the baby weight. Some days, I embrace my curves and feel at ease in my 40-year-old skin, complete with its little pooches and cellulite. But other times—like when I’m shopping for swimwear—I find myself lamenting the slim, carefree body I had at 16, which I took for granted while indulging in nachos and Slurpees without gaining a pound. Those days are long gone, and I must confront the reality that binge-eating in bed while watching TV (as delightful as it sounds) has serious health implications. So, about once a month, I declare that now is the time to lose weight. I wait until the following Monday and embark on a new diet. After numerous attempts, I’ve identified a clear pattern in my dieting efforts. Here’s what happens when I attempt to diet:

1. I announce to everyone that I’m not actually going on a diet—I’m making a “lifestyle change” because diets are ineffective, right? Yet, everyone knows I’m still on a diet. Except I’m not, but I am.
2. After my first meal on this “lifestyle change,” I weigh myself—but only when I’m completely naked, after peeing, and with dry hair. I even subtract a pound just in case I need to go again. Come on, if I suffered through an egg white for breakfast, I should have lost at least five pounds by now!
3. After just two healthy meals, I start preaching about my new diet to anyone who’ll listen. I become the self-proclaimed champion of this diet, creating Pinterest boards and posting detailed updates on Facebook. In other words, I become extremely annoying.
4. I raid my cabinets, tossing out all the white sugar, processed foods, gluten, animal products, carbs, GMOs, non-organic items, and everything else that doesn’t align with the latest food trend I’ve fallen for. I label these foods “POISONS!” and “TOXINS!” and I genuinely believe it.
5. At dinner parties, I become that person who brings her own food in glass containers and announces her “special dietary needs” to everyone.
6. When the scale doesn’t budge after a couple of days, I resort to some sort of herbal cleanse, juice fast, or maybe just coffee blended with butter—anything that promises faster results. However, after a few hours, I usually end up with a stomachache and revert back to eating normally.
7. I start taking walks. After each stroll, I weigh myself. I get frustrated when I learn that a mile walk only burns about 40 calories. I calculate that to eat what I want and lose weight, I’d have to walk to Key West and back every day.
8. Alternative weight-loss treatments begin to sound enticing, so I book appointments with holistic doctors, acupuncturists, or even cranial sacral gluten-cleansing hypnotists. They promise miraculous results after discussing my bowel habits—those practitioners really care about poop. Then they tell me to eat more leafy greens, and I leave a hundred bucks poorer but proudly clutching a Ziploc bag of powdered grasshopper shells.
9. I decide to try that new supplement the waitress at the pizza joint recommended. She swears it works because she saw it on a talk show featuring a doctor. It costs $29 for 14 tablets, but if it works, it’ll be worth it.
10. When people tell me I’m not losing weight because I’m gaining muscle, I want to hurl them down an elevator shaft, fueled by my newfound strength.
11. On day three of my “lifestyle change,” I obsessively try on the size 2, high-waisted Z. Cavariccis I saved from ninth grade when I was 110 pounds. I can barely get them to my knees.
12. By day five, I believe I’ve been miraculously cured of every ailment thanks to this diet! I have no cravings whatsoever.
13. Lesson learned—don’t try weight-loss hacks you’ve seen on TV. Mixing chia seeds with water results in a concoction that resembles snot with crunchy bits, which is definitely an appetite suppressant. The thought of eating anything else after that is enough to make you gag all day.
14. A week goes by, and I start to wonder if chocolate chips even count. They’re so small; they can’t possibly have calories, right? Awesome! I can snack on several handfuls. Done!
15. When is cheat day? Wait, how can there be no cheat day on this diet? This is nonsense! Everyone deserves a cheat day! It’s good for your metabolism—you have to confuse your body to keep losing weight. So, I’m going to devour this macaroni and cheese and apple pie with ice cream. It’ll help me lose weight, especially since I’m taking those powdered grasshopper shells and that fancy supplement.
16. At the next dinner party, I eat everything—except bread. Skipping the bread makes me feel virtuous since I’m on a lifestyle change. I can just take another walk to burn off 1 percent of the calories I consumed at the dessert table.
17. I realize the only diet I’ve ever succeeded at is the Low Crab Diet. I’m not fond of shellfish, so I rarely eat crabs, although I wouldn’t turn down a crab cake if offered.
18. Okay, I fell off the wagon. Next Monday, I’m going paleo vegan. Wait, no—I’ll be PMSing that week, so that doesn’t count. I’ll start the week after!

Unfortunately, the only reliable way to lose weight is to exercise regularly, eat a balanced diet, get stranded on a deserted island, or catch a dangerous intestinal parasite. Since those options are unrealistic, I’ll stick to enjoying pasta in cream sauce in moderation and accepting myself as I am—at least until I need a new swimsuit or some celebrity claims that grass clippings and holistic locusts are the secret to her flat abs.