The Facebook Picture Posting Etiquette Playbook

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When Facebook first entered my life, I was at a quaint restaurant in Paso Robles when I received a notification that someone had posted a photo of me. To my shock, I discovered that others could share images on my personal page. I nearly choked on my cabernet in disbelief. The picture was from a rooftop party at my Manhattan apartment just a week prior, capturing me in a flimsy summer dress, legs awkwardly splayed, and my thighs appearing far larger than I’d like to admit. My mouth was wide open as I was about to attack a giant fried chicken drumstick, and to top it off, I was next to a painfully thin friend who looked like she hadn’t seen a sandwich in ages. The horror was real.

In a panic, I frantically tried to untag myself, and when that failed, I insisted we leave the restaurant immediately for a computer, so I could erase what was undoubtedly the worst picture of myself ever. I untagged myself (though I couldn’t remove the photo from my friend’s page, of course) and activated every privacy setting available to reclaim control over my own page.

That tag lingered for only an hour, but its impact felt everlasting. So, what are the unwritten rules for posting and tagging photos? I’ve tried to establish my own guidelines and wish everyone would adhere to them too. I’ve hosted parties where I made it clear: No Facebook posts allowed! I’m hyper-aware whenever someone pulls out a phone; at a reunion gathering, when someone suggested, “Emily, check us all in!” my first question was, “Is everyone’s partner aware we’re out drinking?” Isn’t it just courteous to check that everyone is comfortable with being included in a photo?

That first mortifying photo sparked some important questions in my mind: Why do so many people my age insist on posting endless selfies, and what’s the etiquette for saying “no” to tagging? It feels a bit sad that there’s this constant need for validation through an endless stream of flattering pictures. We get it; you look fabulous in all 72 versions of your beach outfit. I understand the younger crowd—growing up in a photo-obsessed culture is second nature to them. My first camera was a Polaroid; capturing a moment felt special, a memory to cherish. Nowadays, we often sacrifice the experience for the perfect snapshot, pulling ourselves out of the moment for the sake of social media. Shouldn’t everyone have a say in whether or not they want to participate?

I know this might leave me with only a handful of friends, but I’m fed up with the pressure to take photos. Some etiquette lessons for tagging and snapping are definitely in order. I find myself constantly looking for a gentle way to decline the photo-obsessed friends I’d like to keep in touch with.

Most recently, I had a rather intense experience. A group of friends from Toronto visited, eager to memorialize their first trip to the Hamptons, where I live. After some initial resistance to being in a photo, I caved out of friendship and the allure of delicious lobster rolls, but insisted I would not allow any Facebook posts. When we stopped for the next photo op, I pleaded to be excluded. I lost that round. The next picture was taken under protest and posted, but I demanded to be cropped out. By the second night’s dinner, my response to a photo request was direct: “If you take one more picture of me, I will smash your phone, and I won’t even feel guilty.” The friendly approach had failed, but my “crazy-who-hates-being-photographed” tactic worked like a charm: No more photos. We shared a good laugh about the idea of posting just to make their friends jealous, but overall, it feels like Facebook is all about showcasing an idealized life. Remember, comparison steals joy, and not everyone shares the same desire to post and be tagged.

In simple terms, we need a better way to handle this. Not everyone feels the same way about sharing images. I recently witnessed a group of strangers taking selfies against a wall. If they’d turned around, they could have captured the beautiful water, sunset, and the band in the background. It was all about them instead of the experience. One woman tried to escape the shot, saying three times, “Please, I hate my picture being taken,” but her friend wouldn’t let her go.

Etiquette for Tagging and Snapping

Instead of a relentless photo exemption strategy, here are some etiquettes for tagging and snapping we should all adopt:

• Since posting photos often favors the confident and attractive, assess everyone in the shot with the same critical eye, being mindful of their feelings. If necessary, retake the photo to ensure everyone looks good because a rising tide lifts all boats, right?
• Be considerate and let the most photo-sensitive person decide whether the shot is acceptable.
• Always ask before tagging anyone in a post. We’ve all had to cancel plans or duck out of work for a sneaky lunch; don’t expose a friend on Facebook.
• If someone truly prefers not to have a picture posted, respect their wishes. Instead, share the images privately via email and enjoy them amongst yourselves.
• Place photo-haters at the ends of group shots so they can be edited out if desired, without ruining the fun.
• Lastly, try to cherish the moment instead of constantly capturing it to showcase a glamorous, popular life. (Okay, now I’m down to one friend.)

I genuinely enjoy social media, so some might think I’m being hypocritical. I treat my online life like a public forum, sharing opinions and participating in conversations about global issues and my friends’ dining experiences. I even find humor in the mundane. However, I’m selective about what I share. Just like luxury items, too much of one thing diminishes its value, leaving us with noise. I appreciate the idea of documenting our history online, but I don’t see why my face has to be a part of it. If you’re at a cool place, snap away. If you want to post a hundred selfies, go for it. You have that right. But I simply ask for the freedom to opt-out without a fuss and not to be tagged while I’m enjoying fried chicken.

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In summary, it’s essential to establish clear guidelines for sharing photos and tagging on social media. Mutual respect and communication can go a long way in ensuring everyone is comfortable with how they are represented online.