The Sneezing Saga: Unpleasant Realities of Midlife

When I was in my twenties, the thought of getting older felt like a distant reality. My 40s and 50s seemed like a far-off dream—mostly because they were! If I had paused to consider what midlife would entail, I’d have pictured myself in polyester pants, reinforced-toe pantyhose, and wearing that emergency alert necklace that calls for help if you “fall and can’t get up.” And let’s not forget about sensible shoes—lots and lots of those.

Fortunately, most of my pants still zip (at least they have zippers), and I haven’t needed the emergency buzzer, the clapper, or the grabber yet. I can appreciate a good pair of support hose now. While my midlife journey isn’t quite the nightmare 21-year-old me might have imagined, I have a few amusing yet slightly disheartening truths about this stage of life that I’d like to share.

Comfort Rules Underwear Choices

Don’t get me wrong; there’s still a place for flirty, sexy lingerie, but comfort is the reigning champion now. Support comes in a close second. Sure, I still occasionally let my bold side shine, but I’ve long since stopped worrying about what my husband thinks of my practical undergarments. It is what it is!

Unexpected Hair Growth

Regardless of your natural hair color, stray hairs seem to sprout in the most peculiar places. These pesky little fellows often appear on your chin or neck when you least expect it. I’ve got one that seems to emerge out of nowhere; one moment it’s not there, and the next it’s blowing in the breeze! A male colleague once mistook it for a piece of string. The universe has a funny way of ensuring that if someone points out an embarrassing flaw, they’re usually quite attractive, creating the ultimate mortification.

A friendly tip: rearview mirrors in natural light are perfect for spotting those rogue hairs, so keep tweezers handy. Just remember, safety first—don’t pluck while driving!

The Dreaded Sneeze-Pee Fusion

Let’s be clear: a sneeze, cough, or even a hearty laugh can lead to an unfortunate accident. You’ll find yourself reminiscing about the times you chuckled at older ladies discreetly tossing Poise pads into their carts. Is the sneeze-pee fusion a karmic payback? Absolutely.

Your High School Jams are Now ‘Classic Rock’

There’s something oddly tragic about the songs that once made you feel young and wild now being classified as classic rock. I brace myself for the day a young DJ refers to a Pat Benatar hit as an oldie; part of me will die inside.

Despite the need for cozier underwear and extra time with my tweezers, life at midlife isn’t a pity party. I still have enough energy to chase after my kids, run a 5K, and even outpace some of my younger friends. Occasionally, I still catch guys checking me out—perhaps they’re just wondering if I need help crossing the street, but let me indulge in my fantasies, alright?

Many of my friends in their 40s and 50s mention more thrilling intimate experiences and a boost in wisdom as benefits of this age. I believe it comes down to increased confidence and not caring as much about what others think.

One day, we’re sitting at a red light, catching a glimpse of ourselves in the rearview mirror, only to notice a lengthy black hair sprouting from our chin while a classic rock station plays “Rolling in the Deep.” Or we find ourselves at Target, inexplicably clutching a pack of cotton briefs, saying, “Ooh, these look comfy!” This is how it happens.

I have no regrets—these sensible shoes are incredibly comfy!

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Summary:

Getting older comes with unexpected changes, from the necessity of comfy underwear to the surprise of random hair growth and the comedic mishaps of midlife. While it may not be the horror show we feared in our youth, it’s a journey that comes with its own set of challenges and realizations. Embrace the humor and wisdom that come with this stage of life!