A Humorous Take on Night Three of the Republican National Convention

Welcome to the third night of the Republican National Convention, where the theme is “Make America First Again!” Because, let’s be honest, those initials didn’t just happen by chance. We’ve got a lineup of speakers that promises to be just as entertaining as the previous nights, and you guessed it—Donald Trump is back for another round! After the ups and downs of the last two evenings, I can’t help but feel like tonight is going to be an unforgettable ride.

Let’s jump into the delightful chaos that is this convention!

Rick Waters, Governor of Sunshine State

Hey there, I’m Rick Waters from Florida! Before Mr. Trump makes his grand entrance—likely from a trapdoor—let me thank you all for the support following the tragic events in Orlando. The LGBTQ+ community is grateful too, though they might also want to remind you to keep their rights intact. Or not. That’s a message from them, not from me.

Terrorism used to be something we only saw overseas, but now we’re facing it here at home. But wait, what do all those shooters have in common? (A little hint: it rhymes with “schmoozlim.”) And if you resemble Dylan Roof or Adam Lanza, I didn’t include you on purpose—just a convenience, you know, and some good ol’ racism.

This is the year we kick out the politicians, and who better to do that than a reality TV star whose catchphrase is “You’re fired”? If you need an alert for explosives, you’d call Jimmie “JJ” Walker, and if it’s the alphabet you’re after, The Fonz is your guy. It just makes sense, right?

Penny Grant, Attorney General of Florida

Unfortunately, we missed Penny’s speech because we were too busy wondering if she was still recovering from when a certain journalist metaphorically devoured her whole on live television.

Col. Lara Johnson, Ret., First Female Commander of the U.S. Space Shuttle

I know everyone’s been waiting for someone to talk about space! We need more exploration; it’s basically part of our American identity. From the moment the first settlers arrived, we’ve been asking, “What’s out there?” Meanwhile, the Native Americans were likely thinking, “Uh, excuse me?”

Ricky Vasquez, State Senator

Hello! Before Mr. Trump pops up like a jack-in-the-box, let’s chat about Hispanic issues. We Hispanics have simple dreams—like escaping corrupt countries for a shot at the American dream. My parents came over legally, as you all know since you’ve asked for my papers today. President Obama has deepened our divisions. Democrats? They don’t deserve our votes! Cue cheers from the predominantly white crowd.

Scott Barker, Governor of Wisconsin

HELLO, I’M SCOTT BARKER AND MY VOLUME CONTROL IS BROKEN. AMERICA DESERVES BETTER THAN HILLARY CLINTON! WE’VE BEEN GOOD, AND WE WANT A COOKIE! HAVE YOU HAD ENOUGH YET? TOO BAD, I STILL HAVE MORE LOUD THINGS TO SAY ABOUT EMAILS AND COLLEGE TUITION!

Lynn Parker, The Eric Trump Foundation

Guess what, Republican party? Yes, my life matters, but Donald Trump knows that all lives matter! I’m proud to support him, not despite my skin color, but because of it. Where have they been hiding me?

Senator Marco Lewis (via video)

Sigh* So, Hillary’s bad? Okay… Option B it is. That’s my whole spiel.

Senator Ted Cruz

Congratulations to Donald Trump on the nomination! I want to see conservative values win in November. This is crucial—what if this is our last chance to act for our families? Did we do enough? Spoiler alert: I did.

The Republican Party began as a force against slavery. Lincoln signed the Emancipation Proclamation, and Republicans fought Jim Crow laws. Talk about irony! [As Cruz speaks on racial injustice, the flag behind him glitches to say, “Nope.”]

Vote your conscience, folks! If you love your country and your kids, trust candidates who will uphold freedom and respect the Constitution. [The flag comes back on screen, like, “Oh, uh-oh.”]

Newt Finn, Former Speaker of the House

Before Donald Trump’s hologram shows up on stage, let me clarify Ted’s point: he wants you to vote for someone who supports the Constitution, and that’s Trump. And now, let’s talk about how we’re all in danger and who might end our lives.

We have nothing to fear from most Muslims, but the sheer numbers are concerning. We’re more vulnerable now than pre-9/11. Terrorists will strike a major U.S. city with nuclear weapons; it’s just a matter of time.

If we survive until November, please vote Trump.

Mason Price, Vice Presidential Nominee and Governor

I accept the nomination to be your Vice President. For those unfamiliar with me, here are some buzzwords: Veteran, cornfield, Reagan, family. Sounds pretty reasonable, right? Ha! Oh, and I totally support forced funerals for fetuses! (Spoiler: I’m all in.)

Now, let me regale you with a tale about why Hillary Clinton can’t lead. When Trump becomes President, expect enormous change! Look at me—old-timey charm and humor!

I promise to pray daily if I’m elected, because we’ll definitely need divine intervention.

[And then, Trump glides in on a stage filled with eagles. Just kidding, he walks in from backstage. What a letdown!]

In summary, the third night of the Republican National Convention was a rollercoaster of speeches, filled with a mix of humor, political jabs, and a dash of chaos. Each speaker brought their own flair, from serious topics to lighthearted banter. It was a night that showcased the party’s enthusiasm while hinting at the underlying tensions.

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