Parenting in Fear of Shame: A Recipe for Disaster

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About 15 years ago, I had a heart-stopping moment when I lost my 3-year-old in a department store. Those five minutes felt like an eternity, but thanks to some kind strangers who helped me call out his name, we found him nestled in a clothing rack. I was shaking, tears streaming down my face, drowning in embarrassment and guilt, convinced it was all my fault. But those same strangers comforted me, reminding me that “it happens to everyone” and “don’t be hard on yourself.” They told me, “You’re a great mom. Breathe. He’s okay!”

I was sharing this story with a new mom recently when she hit me with a startling and painfully honest confession that made my heart ache for today’s parents. She said, “Sometimes I’m terrified to leave the house because if something like that happened to me, I’m afraid strangers wouldn’t be so kind. I worry they’d blame and shame me. They might even post a picture on social media with a caption like, ‘This awful mother lost her kid in Target today.’ It’s not my child I’m scared for — it’s myself.”

Her words were profoundly sad, revealing a disheartening trend. When did parenting in public become something to fear? Are social media backlash and judgmental onlookers truly keeping parents confined to their homes? And when they do venture out, are they more preoccupied with how others perceive them than their children’s experiences? Unfortunately, it seems so.

I often find myself wondering when my boys head out for a bike ride if someone will stop to question where their parents are. Will a well-meaning neighbor snap a picture of them playing at the park without adult supervision, or worse, call the authorities? If they get hurt and need assistance, how quickly will I be blamed for not being there?

Even when we’re together in public, if they accidentally get hurt at a playground or theme park, will my parenting skills be called into question? Of course! One moment I’m receiving sympathy, and the next, I’m defending my parenting against accusations.

Parenting in fear is no way to raise kids. Keeping them sheltered at home because the world seems perilous only stunts their growth into confident individuals. Ironically, the fear of parenting in public may be more damaging than the risks we’re trying to avoid. The narrative has shifted to “Watch them 24/7 or you’re a bad parent! Accidents don’t happen unless you’re neglecting your duties!”

The bottom line is, they are your kids. Raise them how you believe is best. Don’t let fear dictate your decisions, second-guess your intentions, or get bogged down by improbable what-ifs. It will only drain you emotionally and breed resentment.

Sure, it takes a village to raise children, but when some villagers come armed with pitchforks, it’s time to send them packing. Do not let their judgment deter you from exploring your community. Your kids deserve to engage with the world without you being anxious about your parenting abilities, living in fear of strangers, or worrying about being shamed on social media. That kind of fear should never factor into your parenting equation, as it will never yield a positive outcome.

This article was originally published on July 22, 2016. For more insights on parenting, check out this post or learn about the home insemination kit for a different aspect of family building. Plus, for a wealth of information, visit this excellent resource on pregnancy and home insemination.

Summary

Parenting in fear of shame is not only exhausting but counterproductive. Today’s parents often feel judged and scrutinized, leading to a reluctance to let their children experience the world. It’s essential to raise kids freely and confidently, without the burdens of public scrutiny.