Independence Is Wearing Us Thin

home insemination Kit

Updated: July 23, 2016

Back when my youngest was a toddler, he had a little catchphrase: “Me-Me-Me.” Whether it was slipping on his shoes, tackling a bowl of oatmeal, or getting into his car seat, he would shove us away, declaring, “Me-Me-Me!” Essentially, this was his way of saying, “Back off! I’ve got this!”

While his desire for independence was both adorable and completely understandable, it also drove us to the brink of madness. He would cry, throw tantrums, and sulk—anything to dodge a small bit of assistance. For toddlers, independence is everything.

But this isn’t just a toddler thing; many folks see independence as a badge of honor. We’re a country built on the ideals of self-starters and high achievers, a land of pick-yourself-up success stories. Independence, freedom, and autonomy are fundamental to the American Dream. However, this relentless push for independence is taking a toll.

Not long ago, I was chatting with a friend, deep in the chaos of parenting. I offered my help and encouraged her to reach out to others. “You’re not alone!” I reminded her. “I know,” she replied, “but I feel like I should handle this myself.” In other words, she was stuck in a “Me-Me-Me” mindset and exhausting herself in the process.

I’ve been there too—still find myself there at times. I’m fiercely independent and struggle to ask for help. I feel that I should be able to manage everything by myself, but what I—and many other parents—often overlook is that independence and community support can coexist. Just because you’re self-sufficient doesn’t mean you have to go solo.

Parenting was never about prioritizing independence over mutual support. We were never meant to navigate this journey alone or just grit our teeth through challenging days when we might want to scream, “Forget this!”

The saying “it takes a village” may sound cliché, but it rings true. It genuinely takes a village to raise a child, to parent, and to simply live life. In the past, parents shared the responsibility of nurturing the next generation. They looked out for one another and lent a helping hand. If you had a doctor’s appointment or just a rough morning, you could call up Jenna from down the street and say, “I’m in a tight spot! Can you take care of my kids for a bit?” And Jenna would respond, “Absolutely! Just bring me some wipes when you come—I’m out and my little one is in a dire situation.”

No judgment, no shame. You wouldn’t hear Jenna gossiping about your struggles, or you her. You both had each other’s backs, and that was the norm. You’d drop off your energetic children to play with Jenna’s while you took a well-deserved break. Later, you might share a drink and vent about the challenges of parenthood because let’s face it, it’s tough, and we shouldn’t face it alone.

Yet, at some point, an unspoken expectation emerged: parenting requires independence. Parents—whether single or partnered—are often expected to manage everything without burdening others. This is evident in public policies, with the U.S. being one of the few developed nations lacking paid parental leave and affordable childcare. It’s also seen in the judgmental looks directed at parents who are visibly struggling. This reluctance to ask for help, coupled with the fear of admitting we don’t have all the answers, is widespread.

Parenting is hard work, and our insistence on self-sufficiency is wearing us down. Why? There’s no trophy for “Solo Parenting.” You don’t gain a crown for enduring the toughest days without help. So, why not ditch the “Me-Me-Me” approach and embrace a more collaborative style of parenting?

Eventually, my son moved past his “Me-Me-Me” phase. He learned that even though he could do things solo, he didn’t have to. He began to accept help, and we all found a bit more joy in the process. If only we parents could follow suit!

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Summary:

Independence in parenting can lead to unnecessary stress and isolation. Many parents, like the author, struggle with the belief that they should manage everything alone. The piece emphasizes the importance of community support, highlighting how sharing responsibilities can alleviate the burdens of parenting. Ultimately, working together rather than adhering to a strict “self-sufficient” mindset can lead to a happier family dynamic.