Greetings, America! It’s time for the first night of the Democratic National Convention, and despite my skepticism during the Republican Convention, I’m feeling optimistic about tonight. Smooth sailing ahead!
CNN’s Tom Parker: “Let’s check in with our reporter Lisa Green outside, where the protestors are gathering. Lisa?”
Lisa: “Hey Tom, it’s scorching out here, and the protestors are starting to get a bit rowdy. I’m feeling a little uneasy—”
Tom: “Sorry to interrupt, Lisa, but Boys II Men are on stage! And just for reference, they’re worth about 38.5 Scott Baios.”
Opening Prayer
Let’s all bless Hillary Clinton… Crowd: BOOOOOO [A little note: here are some words to describe those who boo during a prayer: disrespectful, misguided, a spectacle of foolishness, etc.]
Marcia Hill: “I’m here to listen to all of you, so let’s keep it respectful.”
And we’re off to a shaky start, folks. As we move through speakers discussing crucial issues like immigration and mental health, it seems the audience is more interested in their phones. You know what the Republicans did well last week? They actually listened. Tonight? We’ve got chit-chat while an 11-year-old talks about fearing deportation. Come on, folks, let’s do better.
Jordan and Kyle Rivers, Former NBA Players
Kyle: “How do you teach your kids to stand up to bullies when the president is one? How do you teach pride when he belittles their heritage?”
CNN scans the crowd. Most are glued to their phones.
Jordan: “The Clintons have always been friends of mine. They never judged me based on my sexual orientation, and my hairstyle doesn’t affect my cooking skills, but my shirt color really does impact my driving.”
Maya Johnson, Young Woman with a Disability
“Trump has revealed his true self, and it’s sad to see someone harbor that much hate. He doesn’t see me or speak for me.”
As someone with a disability, I say YES to all of this!
Al Falcon and Sara Silverman
Al supports Hillary, while Sara’s for Bernie but is still voting for Hillary. They’re like a Scott Baio and an Antonio Sabato Jr. rolled into one. They’re building a human bridge between the two sides of the party. To emphasize this, Paul Simon sings “Bridge Over Troubled Water.” As an encore, The Eagles perform “Get Over It,” Beyoncé covers “I Will Survive,” Taylor Swift belts out “We Are Never Ever Getting Back Together,” and Adele closes with “Someone Like You.”
Eva Longoria
“I’m Eva Longoria, and I make Antonio Sabato Jr. look like two dozen Scott Baios. Ready for some inspiration?”
Cory Booker
“Hold onto your hats! I was close to being Vice President, and here’s why: Donald Trump is dragging our national conversation into the gutter. When we’re at our best, we stand up to bullies. We don’t abandon our values; we double down on them. Like Maya Angelou said, ‘Like dust, I’ll rise.’ America, we will rise!”
First Lady Michelle Obama
“Raising children is tough in today’s world. Barack and I tell our girls to rise above those who question their father’s faith or citizenship. When they go low, we go high. Who will shape our children’s lives over the next four to eight years? I trust Hillary Clinton with that responsibility. When she didn’t win the nomination eight years ago, she didn’t give up—she was a true public servant.”
“I wake up every day in a house built by slaves and see my daughters playing on the White House lawn. Because of Hillary, all our children can now believe that a woman can be President.”
[Yes, I’m tearing up over here!]
Senator Lisa Warren
[Some in the crowd are chanting over her speech. We need those Texas delegates with the big hats to teach some respect.] “Donald Trump is the worst in every conceivable way. He should never be President.”
[Honestly, I was too busy thinking about Michelle Obama to catch all of her speech.]
Senator Ben Sanders
“Thanks to all my supporters. I look forward to the roll call votes tomorrow night. I know many are disappointed, and I’m right there with you. But let’s take pride in the historical revolution we’ve started. We need leadership that will improve everyone’s lives; therefore, Hillary Clinton must be the next President. She’ll be outstanding, and I’m proud to stand with her!”
[Finally!]
In summary, the first night of the Democratic National Convention was a mixed bag of emotional speeches, lively performances, and a few moments of chaos in the audience. But the heart of the event lay in the passionate calls for unity and progress.
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