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Marriage Isn’t Picture-Perfect: Ditching the Illusion of Perfection
If you want your marriage to thrive, the first step is to obliterate that idealized image of what a happy marriage “should” be. Seriously, just hit the delete button on that mental picture — and while you’re at it, say goodbye to the nostalgic vision of your pre-kids marriage, too. Just like your pre-baby belly, it’s gone, and it’s not coming back. Let’s be real: marriage is tough enough even without little ones running around. Then you add kids into the mix, and suddenly it feels like you’re playing a whole new sport — one without a coach, a referee, or even a playbook.
Parenting is essentially marriage on steroids. The emotional stakes are sky-high, and the love you feel is both overwhelming and exhausting. It’s a beautiful chaos that consumes every ounce of your being, and there’s no halftime break. Finding time for each other becomes nearly impossible when your brain is constantly occupied, and by the time the kids are finally asleep, the last thing you want to do is engage in deep conversations. Instead, little issues get buried under the rug until they explode into full-blown arguments.
In my experience, things at home are usually smooth sailing — until they aren’t. One moment, you’re cruising along, and the next, you’re bickering over the most trivial matters, all because you’re completely worn out. Seriously, parenting drains you physically and mentally. You’re juggling endless responsibilities while trying to keep up with the chaos, and the idea of a good night’s sleep feels like a distant memory. If someone tells you that you won’t sleep well for 18 years after having kids, trust me, they’re not exaggerating much.
My little one is 4 and still wakes up at least three times a night. I can only imagine how parents with multiple kids manage to stay awake — it must be pure survival mode. Meanwhile, our bodies have taken a hit; they don’t look or feel the same as they did pre-kids. Cooking healthy meals becomes a Herculean task, often resulting in the food ending up on the floor instead of on our plates. And let’s not even talk about hitting the gym; that sounds like a joke right now.
The reality is, you’re not bringing your A-game to your marriage. Your version of “best” has transformed into something entirely different. The sooner we accept that marriage gets tougher after kids — and that’s perfectly normal — the sooner we can liberate ourselves from those unrealistic standards. I’m no expert in marriage or parenting, but I’ve got a solid network of friends who provide plenty of wisdom, so that counts for something, right?
The truth is, every marriage has its challenges. Those seemingly perfect couples you see? They’re likely just better at hiding the struggles. We all have our disagreements, moments of pride, and nights we go to bed angry. It’s completely okay to acknowledge that sometimes it’s just really hard. I wrote this to remind myself that it’s fine to feel overwhelmed and to encourage myself to communicate better, listen more, and be a more supportive partner.
Love is what initially brought you together, and it’s that same love that will help you weather the storms. Focus on the positives, let go of the little annoyances, and stop comparing your marriage to others. It’s important to embrace what your relationship looks like now and to create a new vision if you’re not happy with the old one. Show your kids the kind of partnership you hope they’ll aspire to have one day.
In a moment of inspiration, I decided to craft a mantra for my marriage: “Strive to be better every day. When things get tough, find joy in the chaos. And always prioritize each other, after God.”
If you enjoyed this piece, be sure to check out our other blog posts, including those on home insemination and related topics.
Summary:
Marriage can be a challenging journey, especially after the arrival of children. The idealized images of what a happy marriage should look like often set us up for disappointment. Embracing the reality of parenting and the challenges it brings can help couples maintain a strong bond. By focusing on love and communication, and letting go of unrealistic expectations, couples can navigate the complexities of marriage together.