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Family Time From Afar
Image by Wokandapix from Pixabay
When I headed off to university and grad school nearly 700 miles away from my hometown, I never imagined I’d be living so far from family. My husband, Jake, found himself in a similar situation, pursuing his doctorate 400 miles from his close-knit clan. Life took an unexpected turn when we fell in love, got married, and eventually decided to have kids — all while he was busy teaching and finalizing his degree. We bought a house, planted our roots, and now reside in a quaint southern city, far from our parents.
This distance, however, has led to a tug-of-war between two extended families, each vying for our limited time. Initially, we tried to satisfy everyone’s holiday expectations. Before the kids came along, our Christmas routine involved a week at my parents’ place, where I would assist my mom in baking traditional pastries. We’d celebrate Slovak traditions on Christmas Eve, complete with breaking wafers and attending Midnight Mass. On Christmas Day, we’d hit the road early, driving 350 miles to Jake’s family for a whirlwind of present opening and a feast from the local grocery store. Meanwhile, back at home, our dogs were kenneled, our house sat empty, and our Christmas tree was slowly becoming a fire hazard. The holidays quickly turned into a source of stress.
Once we welcomed our first child, I resolved to prioritize our needs over family traditions. I set firm boundaries; for instance, I didn’t want anyone at the hospital during my oldest son’s birth. I allowed family visits five days later: first my family, and then Jake’s family came nine days after the birth. It wasn’t the most popular decision, but it was necessary.
Next, I started establishing further boundaries. We could easily visit Jake’s parents, just five hours away, but my mom’s house was a ten-hour trek — not doable in one go with a newborn who screamed in the car. My mother was less than thrilled when I declined her invitation for a large gathering to meet my son, but I stood firm; I had to do what was best for my child.
Over the years, we’ve made compromises. We spent two weeks at Nags Head with Jake’s family, a cherished tradition stretching over 40 years. Our three boys loved playing with their cousins on the beach. But once, we tried to visit both families, spending ten days at my parents’ house without air conditioning, followed by a whirlwind trip to Jake’s family before heading to Nags Head. The absurd kennel bill and house-sitter mishaps taught me a valuable lesson: never again.
Now, when we visit my mom, we limit it to six days, followed by a few days with Jake’s family. Though they often try to entice us to stay longer with promises of adventures, we’ve learned to be resolute. This summer, my mom is upset that we can’t visit again, as we’ve already been to the mountains and Nags Head, but I simply won’t endure another marathon drive. I kindly but firmly told her we were out of time and suggested she visit us instead.
We’ve made it clear that our home is always open to family visits. My mom comes down whenever her schedule permits, and we cherish those times. She enjoys house hunting, thrifting, and playing with the kids. Jake’s family sometimes meets us halfway to take the kids to local attractions when they visit. It’s a balancing act, but with clear boundaries, we manage to keep our sanity intact. Our kids are our priority, and maintaining our mental health is essential for our family’s harmony.
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In summary, navigating family dynamics from afar can be challenging, but establishing clear boundaries is crucial to ensuring your family’s well-being. Prioritizing your immediate family’s needs while remaining open to visits can create a healthy balance in maintaining connections without overwhelming yourself.