My Chosen Family: The Secret Ingredient to Our Happiness

I’ve realized that my sanity hinges on having two families. Sure, there’s my biological family, like everyone else’s, plus my in-laws. But then there’s this other family, one not bound by blood or obligation—no forcing togetherness here. I didn’t get to choose my birth family, but I handpicked this group. I searched for them, connected with them, and they chose me right back. I count myself incredibly fortunate to have this surrogate family.

Before Kids

Before kids, close friends were all we needed. Life’s challenges were manageable with your best pals and your biological family. Parents would come to your rescue after car mishaps, while your best friend stood by you on your wedding day. Your girlfriends supported you through tequila-induced mishaps and heartbreaks. With the support of friends and family, it felt like you had everything covered.

Then, You Have Kids

Initially, your parents and in-laws swoop in, offering advice on everything from sleep routines to feeding schedules. Sure, they might cook a meal or hold the baby long enough for you to shower, but suddenly, it feels like you have to host them, tidying up and preparing food, all while juggling a newborn and postpartum recovery. They’re “helping,” but it often feels like more of a burden.

You’re determined to raise your child your own way, even if that means going against how your parents did things. You find yourself reflecting on their methods and realizing that, at times, you’d never parent the way they did. The more you think about it, the more resentment builds. You’re ready to usher them out before you lose your cool.

Friends and Their Cluelessness

As for your friends? They’re often a bit clueless. They show up, nervous about holding the baby, bringing gifts that range from cute but impractical onesies to oversized stuffed animals. They might bake cookies or knit booties, but soon after, they vanish, off to their parties or work commitments, while you’re left with a fussy infant who’s just had a blowout.

You feel overwhelmed.

The Support You Need

Then, you remember that one friend who had a baby last year. She calls ahead, arrives with a pre-cooked meal, and genuinely wants to hear your birth story. She talks you through the struggles, holds your baby while you shower, and even takes you on a much-needed trip to Target after weeks of confinement.

Or perhaps you muster the courage to attend a local parenting group, where you meet not just one but several moms who understand exactly what you’re going through. You exchange numbers, arrange playdates at Starbucks, and voila—you’ve made new BFFs. These friendships bloom, and many of those connections last for years.

Don’t forget those childless friends who are still close enough to transition into your new life. They might not change diapers, but they’ll babysit when you need it, or join you for movie marathons as the kids grow. If you’re lucky, some of these friends have unique skills—maybe one is a lawyer, another a professor, and yet another is an artist. Kids need those aunts and uncles who aren’t parents themselves; they are priceless.

And if you hit the jackpot, you’ll find an older couple who adores your baby and subsequently your children. Whether they couldn’t have kids of their own or their own children are grown, you might meet them at church, in the neighborhood, or at a local gardening club. They can offer insights without the baggage that comes from your own parents. You can bond over shared interests while they cherish your kids.

The Value of a Chosen Family

Having a second family—a village or a tribe—is invaluable. Your biological family is wonderful, but your children (and you) thrive with this additional support system, one built on love rather than blood. These are the folks who bring you chicken soup when you’re sick, run errands when you’re stuck, and step in as your emergency contacts. They enrich your lives in ways you never knew you needed.

And guess what? They need you, too.

Summary

In navigating the tumultuous journey of parenthood, having a chosen family can be a lifeline. While biological families offer foundational support, the bonds we form with friends and mentors enrich our lives and provide essential assistance during challenging times. These relationships, based on love and shared experiences, create a nurturing environment for both parents and children.