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A Note to Girls: You Define Your Value
A little while back, while volunteering at my son’s school, I couldn’t help but overhear a conversation between two nine-year-old girls. One girl was casually ranking her classmates, sharing her favorites with a nonchalant air. She mentioned a new boy who had claimed the top spot on her list, and the other girl, with a quiet voice, asked, “What number am I on your list?”
What number am I?
I don’t even have daughters, nor did I know these girls well, but hearing that question made my heart ache. I wanted to scoop her up and offer a comforting hug, whispering, “Oh, sweet girl, you don’t need to be a number on someone’s list!”
I wished I could tell her repeatedly, “Cherish yourself. Recognize your value. Your worth is not tied to any ranking someone assigns you.” My heart ached for her and all the other girls out there grappling with similar feelings. I also felt for the younger version of myself, as I, too, had spent years measuring my worth through numbers and approval—whether real or imagined. I’ve asked that same question a million different times in various ways.
When I heard that little girl’s soft inquiry—one filled with weighty implications—I felt sadness, anger, frustration, and concern all at once. I wanted to help her and other girls like her understand that a number—whether it’s a ranking, a scale measurement, or a paycheck—can never truly reflect your worth.
Yet, I recognized that this understanding isn’t something you can simply tell someone; it’s a lesson we must learn ourselves, often over and over again.
Reflecting on the time since that moment, I realize that, in many ways, I still find myself in that girl’s shoes. There are days when I, too, look for validation through various numbers—be it the scale, social media likes, or invitations to gatherings. Many women, regardless of age, are still seeking their place on someone’s list, often defined by societal standards or personal expectations.
We often convince ourselves that we don’t care, and sometimes we genuinely don’t. We can dismiss the drama, the mean-spirited comments, and the competition. But let’s be real: at times, we’re all still that little girl wondering where we fit.
Sadly, there will always be people—whether intentionally or not—who provide reasons for why we don’t measure up. But why do we let our value be dictated by others? Why do we cling to numerical definitions of our worth?
And more importantly, how do we break this cycle?
I don’t have a surefire solution or a magic formula to end this relentless pursuit of approval and ranking. But I believe that if we don’t address the “why” and “how,” we’ll never find a way out. It requires us to acknowledge that even if we care less about others’ opinions than we used to, we might still care a bit more than we’d like to admit. This honesty is crucial to understanding the impact that the need for validation can have on women’s lives.
We need to resist the measuring sticks and favorite lists that society imposes on us—whether it’s the ideal body image or social media metrics. We must listen to other women who quietly ask, “Where do I belong?” and “What number am I?” It takes effort, commitment, and practice to dismantle these harmful lists and lift each other up, reminding ourselves and one another, “You don’t need to be a number on someone’s list!”
We’ve all been that little girl at some point, whether we want to admit it or not. But perhaps if we collectively shift the conversation from “Where do I fit?” to “How do we break this cycle?” we can take those essential first steps toward change.
Asking the right questions is just the beginning because this cycle of evaluation must come to an end. If not for ourselves, then for the sake of our daughters.
For more insights on this topic, be sure to check out this post and this excellent resource that covers pregnancy and home insemination. Also, if you’re looking into the practical side of things, Make A Mom has a comprehensive guide on at-home insemination kits.
Summary
This article addresses the damaging habit many girls and women have of measuring their self-worth through numbers and rankings imposed by others. It emphasizes the importance of self-love and understanding that true value is intrinsic, not defined by external opinions. The piece encourages collective action to shift the narrative from seeking validation through rankings to fostering a supportive community where everyone recognizes their inherent worth.