How I Talked to My Tweens About Sexting and Adult Content

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As parents, we often find ourselves having those unexpected heavy conversations when we least anticipate them. Just the other night, I sat down for dinner, expecting to hear about my kids’ school day and perhaps debate the latest sports highlights. I certainly didn’t think I’d be discussing sexting and adult content with my tweens.

After sharing tales of a fun recess, my 10-year-old daughter mentioned that she stumbled upon an explicit picture on an adult’s phone. She was both uncomfortable and curious, asking why an adult would have such a picture. I had a split second to choose how to address this. Should I go with Path A: dismiss it as something she shouldn’t worry about at her age? Or Path B: dive right in, armed with nothing but my dinner and some wine? I opted for Path B, much to my son’s dismay as he munched on his food.

My daughter, still young enough to enjoy a casual bath together, doesn’t shy away from discussions about bodies and privacy. My son, on the other hand, has reached an age where he’s probably cringing at my openness. I needed to gauge what had happened, so I asked her to recount the details. Once I was assured no one had done anything wrong, I tackled her original question: Why would someone have a naked picture on their phone?

I explained simply, “Some adults like to look at naked pictures, and some enjoy sharing those pictures too. It might seem gross now, but you might see things differently when you’re older.” My kids’ expressions of disgust told me I was on the right track, so I decided to probe a little deeper.

This incident served as a prime example of how things can go wrong, even for adults. I asked my children if they thought the person in the picture would feel embarrassed knowing that my daughter had seen it. They agreed. I then asked if she would feel embarrassed knowing I was informed about it. Again, the answer was yes. I explained that if my daughter had sent that picture to me, the embarrassment would only multiply. Thankfully, she hadn’t, which was a relief.

Kids are acutely aware of humiliation, a feeling they want to avoid at all costs. I could have ended the talk there, but I pressed on, glass of wine in hand, and addressed the fact that teens engage in sexting too. I looked directly at my son and said, “There may come a time when you or your friends ask a girl for a sexy picture.”

“I would never do that,” he replied, and I felt a wave of relief—until I remembered that the reality is different for many kids. “Ben,” I said, “You might feel tempted or think it sounds fun. But if a girl is under 18, it’s illegal and considered child pornography. If you find yourself in that situation, it could change the course of your life. Instead of focusing on school, you could end up dealing with police and court. Never ask for a picture—if a girl sends you one, come to me immediately. And if a friend shares one, tell me right away. Do not forward it.”

To my younger daughter, I explained that as she grows up, she might be pressured to send similar pictures. Friends may think it’s cool, and she might feel the need to fit in. I reminded her of the embarrassment the woman likely felt when my daughter saw her picture, emphasizing that once a picture is sent, it’s out there forever, potentially seen by anyone. “If you’re unsure about how to respond to peers, come to me and we’ll figure it out together.”

Peer pressure is lurking just around the corner, and I know we need to keep having these conversations. My own high school experience taught me about embarrassment. I once wrote a note to a boy, and somehow it ended up on every car in the parking lot. I can still feel the heat of humiliation from that moment. Today, sharing something innocent like a note can lead to devastating consequences.

I don’t have strong feelings about consenting adults engaging in sexting or sharing nude images, but I do think it’s risky. With so many stories of private photos getting leaked, it’s hard to believe anyone is truly safe. Just last week, I read about a teacher who resigned after private photos on her phone were shared among students. Anything you store on your phone is not truly private.

This isn’t a one-time conversation; we’ll revisit this topic as my son gets a smartphone—yes, I’ve kept him tech-free for now, and he’s managing, albeit with a bit of bitterness. As my children grow and technology evolves, I hope that by seizing unexpected moments like this for discussions, future conversations will be a tad easier to initiate.

“Well, that was a pretty heavy talk about child pornography. I was hungry, but now I’m not,” my son remarked, and I couldn’t help but agree.

In summary, while discussing sensitive topics like sexting and adult content can be uncomfortable, they are crucial for our children’s understanding of privacy, legality, and personal boundaries. By approaching these conversations openly and honestly, we can help guide our tweens through the complexities of growing up in a digital world.

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