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Pregnancy
The Birth Plan I Wish I’d Written
by Lisa Green
Updated: July 2, 2020
Originally Published: Aug. 11, 2016
The other day, I decided to tackle some cleaning. Cue the gasps! Naturally, this rare burst of productivity led me to unearth some deeply embarrassing relics from my past. On this particular day, I stumbled upon my birth plan.
I couldn’t help but cringe at the exhaustive list of demands: a natural birth, a serene atmosphere, soft lighting—it went on and on. Did I really need two pages of wishes?
As I scanned through the plan, I found myself fantasizing about what I really should have written instead. Here’s what I wish my birth plan had looked like:
Oh wow! I’m about to become a mom!
Yes, I’m in labor—surprise! I’ve thought about what I want for this experience, and lucky for you, I’ve documented my preferences for your reading pleasure!
- First things first: let’s get one thing straight—I don’t know how to poop. No joke. I’m perpetually constipated. So, please refrain from telling me to push like I’m on the toilet; when nature calls, it’s a sudden event—no effort needed!
- And speaking of nature, if I do happen to poop during delivery, please distract my husband and keep it from my knowledge. I’d like to maintain some dignity and a little mystery in our marriage.
- I’m a bit of a screamer. I’ve packed several pairs of earplugs for the nurses, so please make sure they get handed out. If necessary, I’ll even provide some headache meds!
- Unless I have spinach stuck in my teeth or need a fresh lipstick application, please don’t offer me a mirror. I’d rather not witness my anatomy in a state of chaos. Let me enjoy the beauty of childbirth in my mind instead.
- I’m not a fan of epidurals. I find them quite terrifying, actually. Just to clarify, I’m not keen on them anywhere! However, do hook me up with some laughing gas; I’d appreciate that.
- I’m the queen of indecision, so I apologize in advance for wavering between ice chips or water, walking or squatting, lying down or bouncing on an exercise ball.
- I’m determined to breastfeed my little one. I’ve done my homework but may need some guidance. I’ve even packed pom-poms for cheerleaders, so get creative with your encouragement!
- Please don’t give my baby a pacifier. This isn’t about nipple confusion (I still can’t wrap my head around that). I’m just thinking long-term—who wants to deal with weaning a kid off a soother? No thanks!
- I’d like to place an order for five cases of mesh underwear. I hear they’re all the rage and a postpartum essential!
- Lastly, I’d like to book my husband’s vasectomy for about two to three hours after I’m settled in with the baby. As a nod to my commitment to natural childbirth, he’ll be forgoing all pain relief—just kidding! He can have the laughing gas too.
Congratulations! You’ve made it through my birth plan, and you’re still with me. That shows you’re a real trooper!
Now for the crucial part—please pay close attention.
You likely read countless birth plans each year, witnessing everything from joyous moments to silent tragedies. Your role is vital; your words and actions matter. Thank you for your smiles, your listening ears, your coaching, encouragement, and comfort.
The work you do is irreplaceable, and I want to express my heartfelt gratitude for being part of this special day. Your support means the world to us, and I truly appreciate you.
As a small token of thanks, here’s a coffee card for you to share with the rest of the nursing team. Today’s caffeine is on me!
For more insight on fertility and pregnancy-related topics, check out this excellent resource from Medical News Today. And if you’re curious about home insemination options, be sure to explore more at Make a Mom.
Summary:
This humorous take on a birth plan highlights the author’s tongue-in-cheek requests and genuine gratitude for the medical staff. Through a series of lighthearted points, she expresses her unique wishes for labor while acknowledging the importance of the healthcare team. It’s a fun and relatable read for expectant parents navigating the world of childbirth.