Recently, I faced the inevitable task of scheduling my annual Pap smear. After months of procrastination, I finally made the appointment. On the day of my visit, I went above and beyond with my grooming—more than I ever did back when I was single and trying to impress. But honestly, I knew my efforts might be wasted on a doctor who spends her days examining lady parts. Still, I couldn’t bear the thought of her encountering my usual “Sasquatch situation” down there, so I prepped thoroughly.
As I walked into the clinic, I felt a mix of confidence and anxiety. I greeted the receptionist with a smile, all while fretting over the fact that I hadn’t shaved my legs. Following the nurse into the exam room, my mind was a whirlwind of thoughts. The experience can be a rollercoaster of awkwardness, especially when you step on the scale, answer questions about your alcohol intake, and then find yourself naked under a flimsy sheet.
I can’t be the only person who thinks the following during these visits:
- Seriously, why don’t they serve mimosas here?
- Oh no, I just went to the bathroom; I can’t provide a urine sample now. Sorry!
- That weight can’t be right! Subtract at least 10 pounds—I’m wearing boots!
- Alcohol intake? Are we talking glasses or bottles?
- I saw that eyebrow raise, Nurse-Who-Just-Made-Me-Fat. I’m definitely not as bad as you think!
- Recreational drugs? If only!
- They should really have a countdown clock so I know how long I have until the doctor walks in.
- Yikes, forgot to shave my legs!
- Why are there no pictures of Chris Hemsworth or Justin Timberlake on the walls? Those medical diagrams remind me that my abs are long gone.
- Ah-choo! Great, now the examination table is wet.
- Ugh, it’s freezing in here. My nipples could slice through glass.
- Oh look, the doctor has arrived, and he wants to shake my hand. How many vaginas has he seen today?
- Sexually active? More like actively avoiding it, Doc.
- At least he won’t judge me for not flossing.
- What birth control am I using? Haha, my four kids are enough!
- Sure, I do self-exams every day—just like I floss, right?
- Do I have any questions? None that I wouldn’t rather ask my best friend later.
- Wow, my boobs are huge and saggy. Oh no, is there hair around my nipples?!
- Why isn’t the nurse talking? Can’t she help me escape this nightmare?
- I should have kept my socks on.
- No, I can’t scoot down any further; that’s too close for comfort, Doc.
- We’ve accomplished so much in this world, yet they still can’t warm the lube gel? Seriously?
- Is now a good time to mention that I could give you a urine sample?
- Oh, how nice, he’s chatting about his family trip while examining me.
- I really need a pedicure.
- Don’t fart, don’t fart, don’t fart…
- A little pressure? Why not just stick a watermelon in there while you’re at it?
- If he says, “Houston, we have a problem,” I might just kick him.
- Seriously, where are the pictures of Chris Hemsworth and Justin Timberlake?
- Don’t sneeze, don’t sneeze…
- Seriously, I have to pee.
- Everything looks fine? Phew! Glad to hear my cervix is still in top form.
- Yes, I look forward to next year’s appointment too. The pleasure of having my insides poked and prodded was all mine.
- Where did my underwear go? It was right there!
- Do I throw the tablecloth away or leave it on the too-short exam bed?
- Ah-choo! Well, there goes that urine sample.
Going to the gynecologist can be a mortifying experience, but let’s be real—it would be even worse if the doctor could read our minds. At least my thoughts are clearer than they are at the dentist!
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Summary
Visiting the gynecologist is often filled with awkward thoughts and hilarious moments that many of us can relate to. From the anxiety over nudity and bodily assessments to the longing for a more comfortable experience (like mimosas!), it’s a whirlwind of embarrassment and humor. Despite the discomfort, it’s a necessary part of healthcare that we all endure.