A Mother’s Parting Words to Her Son Heading Off to College

home insemination Kit

By: Clara Thompson
Updated: Aug. 10, 2023

Can you believe it? You’re really about to head off to college! Your father and I have spent 18 years prepping you for this moment, yet saying goodbye remains a challenge. It has truly been a privilege to guide you through your early years.

While I’m overjoyed to see you embark on this new adventure, I can’t shake the feeling of emptiness that will come with your departure. I’ll miss the crew of friends you brought home, turning our living room into an impromptu lounge and polishing off our snacks. Honestly, with the amount of food they devoured, I could have charged more than a budget motel on a Saturday night.

I’ll also miss those late-night escapades with you, where I’d be checking my phone every five minutes, hoping for a text, and praying the news wouldn’t report any accidents in our area. You’ve kept me entertained through years of thrilling games like “I swear, officer, I didn’t mean to speed through the school zone” and “Let’s sneak off to a concert without telling Mom.” If not for those heart-pounding moments, I wouldn’t have found out just how well blonde dye can hide gray hair.

You’ve always kept me on my toes, especially when it comes to household chores. The algae in the shower and the mystery smells wafting from under your bed will be sorely missed. Without a sink full of dirty dishes and a mountain of laundry, I might suddenly find myself with too much free time. Who knows? Maybe I’ll turn this empty nest into an alpaca farm!

Before the moving chaos begins, here are some nuggets of wisdom to carry with you:

• Eat Smart.
  Make sure you hit the salad bar more than once a week to balance out those burgers and pizza. And stock up on peanut butter and bread—who knows what culinary disasters the cafeteria might serve on any given day?
• Prioritize Hygiene.
  Remember, a shower is a must! Axe body spray won’t cut it after your morning jog. Keep things fresh with antibacterial soap and a box of Q-tips. Trust me, girls are not impressed by earwax farms. And please, for the love of all that’s holy, don’t forget to trim those toenails.
• Be Considerate.
  Respect the campus noise rules and keep your tunes at a reasonable volume. Just because you have speakers the size of small cars doesn’t mean you can rattle the walls with your bass. And about your appetite—there’s no need to prove your worth by joining every binge-eating contest. Your roommate will appreciate a methane-free environment.
• Take Relationships Seriously.
  While abstinence is ideal, if you find yourself in a situation, remember to use protection properly. Inflating them into funny shapes won’t win you any points with the ladies.
• Stand Strong Against Peer Pressure.
  Chugging hot sauce on a dare won’t make you popular, just remember: you don’t want to be the freshman who spends the night regretting it.
• Be Grateful for What You Have.
  Your friends may have shiny new cars, but there’s no shame in driving a trusty old Honda as long as it runs.
• Budget Wisely.
  If your beer expenses surpass your tuition, you might want to reevaluate your priorities.
• Keep it Clean.
  Empty that trash regularly and don’t let your room look like a science experiment gone wrong. A hazmat suit might be necessary if your bathroom becomes an unsightly disaster.
• Hit the Books.
  Study hard before you party, or you might find yourself struggling academically.
• Explore Before Committing.
  There’s no rush to find “the one.” Date around and enjoy your freedom.
• Stay Prepared.
  Stock up on hangover cures like Gatorade and aspirin. And always carry a pillow—you never know when you might find yourself catching Z’s in unusual places!
• Avoid Risky Behaviors.
  If you think racing office chairs down the highway is a good idea, think again. I won’t be bailing you out!
• Value True Friends.
  These are the ones who’ll rescue you from a dive bar at 5 a.m. and won’t spill your secrets.
• Keep Your Sense of Humor.
  If you wake up to Post-it notes everywhere or your car wrapped in bubble wrap, just laugh it off. Your roommates will find out quickly what karma really means.

Your father and I are excited to watch you spread your wings. We love you immensely and are proud of you. Remember, if you ever find yourself in a pickle—especially involving a flame thrower—call your siblings for bail; we’ll be too busy at a convention to help!

Summary:

As you prepare for college, remember to embrace this new chapter with a mixture of excitement and responsibility. Eat healthily, maintain hygiene, be considerate of others, and don’t rush into relationships. Stay grounded, appreciate what you have, and always keep your sense of humor. Your parents are proud and excited to see you grow, but they’ll be there for you if you ever need them.