To my beloved little rascals,
I can only imagine how liberating it must feel to have your very own penis. If I had one, I’d probably be tempted to wave it around and poke at it just like you do! But as your mother, it’s my responsibility to guide you on the proper times and places to “let it fly.” Given how many random spots I’ve seen you use as your personal restroom, it’s time for a little clarity. So listen closely, memorize this, and embrace it as your mantra:
Just because you can pee anywhere doesn’t mean you should.
I get that it’s super convenient to relieve yourself wherever you are, without having to hunt down a (hopefully clean and germ-free) toilet. I’ll admit I’ve done the same in a pinch—like that time we were miles from a rest stop, the baby was finally asleep, and I had a McDonald’s cup on hand. But let’s be real—most of the time, you’re never far from a proper toilet.
Ground Rules
So, let’s lay down some ground rules. It is completely out of bounds (and socially unacceptable) to pee in or from any of the following places:
- Our front yard
- The neighbors’ yard
- The street drain
- The park
- The playground
- Off the porch
- The side of the house
- The cat’s litter box
- Potted plants
- Flower beds
- Coffee cups
- Water guns (especially if they’re lurking in your closet until the pee smells rancid—yikes).
Now, don’t think I’m being harsh here. Even someone without a penis, like me, can appreciate the temptation of having a portable hose at your disposal. It takes a lot of self-control not to succumb to the urge to pee wherever you please. But trust me, you don’t want to end up in a sticky situation with the law.
You might feel a bit deprived, but here’s a special exception: I might let you write your name in the snow once in a while. It sounds like a blast, and I’m a little envious! But only if nobody’s watching, alright?
And when you’re not near a snowy area—99.9% of the time, let’s be honest—let’s aim for the toilet instead. Try to hit the water! If you’re looking to spice things up, toss in a few Cheerios. I’d rather part with a few cents’ worth of cereal than deal with the embarrassment of watching you drop your pants in public or realizing there’s pee where it should never be.
I’m not trying to rain on your parade; I’m just doing my duty as a parent to teach you important life lessons that you seem to overlook. And while we’re at it, please add “anything made of cloth or paper” to that list of no-go zones for urination.
With all my love,
Mom
P.S. For more insights on family planning and home insemination, check out this informative post on home insemination kits. And if you’re looking for expert guidance on navigating your fertility journey, Make a Mom has great resources. For further reading, you may find this Wikipedia article about in vitro fertilization to be an excellent resource.
Summary: This humorous letter to boys emphasizes the importance of knowing where it is socially acceptable to urinate, while providing some light-hearted life lessons from a mother’s perspective. Rules are outlined for appropriate restroom behavior, with a few exceptions to keep things fun, reminding boys to respect their surroundings and practice self-control.