Learning to Honor My Child’s Boundaries

home insemination Kit

When my little one, Lily, was a toddler, she was a champion smoocher, giving the most enthusiastic, slobbery kisses—on the mouth, the cheek, or even the foot! I cherished these moments, with her tiny lips pressed against mine as she chirped, “Just one more kiss, Mommy! Pleeease!” She showered affection on everyone: grandparents, friends, stuffed animals, and likely a few unsuspecting strangers at the grocery store.

As she grew into her elementary years, those big, wet kisses morphed into hugs, which felt like a natural progression. After all, by age six, it’s probably not appropriate to plant a kiss on your teacher’s lips. I was okay with this shift; she still bestowed her sweet pecks on my lips at bedtime and even sporadically throughout the day. Over time, her kisses became more refined, and less drool-y.

Recently, however, I noticed that our kisses had dwindled. Instead of the usual smooches, she now opted for a quick peck on the cheek. I didn’t love that, so I’d often coax her, “Come over here and give your mommy a real kiss!” She’d respond with a kiss on my head or cheek as a goodnight gesture.

Initially, I dismissed it as a phase—perhaps she was too cool for kisses at eight-years-old. But then I observed that she was also shying away from hugs. When friends visited, I would embrace them and encourage Lily to do the same. “Come on, give Ms. Jane a hug! It’s great to see her!” I’d urge. To my dismay, she often obliged with a reluctant hug.

At first, I interpreted this behavior as rudeness—like when you prompt a child to say “please” and they don’t. I would give her the stern “You know to say please when you ask for something, right?” speech. But eventually, it hit me: I’m a hugger. I embrace everyone, even strangers in the aisles of Target. I grew up in a touchy-feely family, so I assumed my daughter would be similar.

Yet, the truth is, she might just not be as comfortable with physical affection as I am. This realization reminded me of a recent wedding I attended in Phoenix. Upon seeing an old friend, I instinctively rushed in for a hug, only to be greeted with, “Oh, right! You’re a hugger!” I hadn’t considered that not everyone shares that same inclination.

Children often have different comfort levels than adults when it comes to personal space. My daughter clearly prefers her own space, and I was imposing my comfort on her. It was time for a heart-to-heart.

A few nights ago, I invited Lily into my room and assured her there were no wrong answers to my question. I simply wanted to know how she felt about hugging and kissing. She hesitated at first, but I reassured her it was safe to express her thoughts.

“Sometimes, I want to hug people, but other times, I don’t,” she confessed. “Does that make me mean?” My heart sank; her uncertainty stemmed from me consistently pushing her to show affection.

I took a moment to really listen and then said, “I’ve realized that I’ve made mistakes by insisting you hug everyone. I’m really sorry.” Her eyes widened in surprise as I continued, “Your body is yours, and so is your personal space. No one has the right to dictate who touches you—only you can decide that.”

She interjected, “But what if you hug someone and I don’t want to? Am I mean?”

“Not at all,” I reassured her. “Having your own boundaries is perfectly okay. If you want to hug someone, you can ask first. And if you don’t want to, that’s fine too.”

We talked for a while longer, and I made sure she understood that it’s normal to have different comfort levels. I also emphasized that she could always say “no” to anyone making her uncomfortable.

Raising kids is a fascinating journey. People often say how much Lily resembles me, but this experience taught me that our children are unique individuals, even if they share many traits. It’s crucial for us as parents to learn from their cues. While I talk about respecting others, I realized I hadn’t been respecting my child’s choices.

So now, when I greet someone with a hug, Lily knows she doesn’t have to follow suit. A handshake or even a kind word is perfectly acceptable.

For more insights on parenting and boundaries, check out this excellent resource on pregnancy. And if you’re looking into home insemination, you can find valuable information at Make a Mom.