Prioritizing the Kids: Essential Dos and Don’ts for Effective Co-Parenting

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My daughter has come down with a nasty cold. It’s a rarity, but when it strikes, it really knocks her out. This week, we’ve already been to the pediatrician three times to monitor her recovery from this respiratory bug.

Earlier this week, her father texted me asking if he could swing by to check on her. “Absolutely,” I replied. Who am I to deny him that? Is it always comfortable when he visits? Not really, but he’s her dad too. His new partner also reached out to see how she was doing, and I filled her in on the situation. Did I fret over her judging my parenting? Not at all; she was genuinely concerned for my daughter’s health.

Co-parenting is fundamentally about both parents playing active roles in their child’s life. It isn’t about one parent outperforming the other or comparing styles. Nor is it about the adults involved; too often, divorced families focus on past grievances, leaving the kids caught in the crossfire. Instead, co-parenting requires a focus on the children’s needs, treating them as priority rather than pawns in a game.

Here are some effective dos and don’ts for successful co-parenting:

Do…

• Engage in Open Communication: Keep the lines of dialogue open with your ex. Use email, text, calls, or even face-to-face chats. Consider using platforms designed for co-parenting that allow for shared schedules and updates.
• Establish Consistent Rules: Agree on household rules that apply in both homes. Children thrive on structure, and consistency in meal times, bed times, and chores helps them feel secure. For example, “You know the drill; finish your homework before we hit the movies.”
• Encourage Positive Discussions: Foster an environment where children don’t speak negatively about either parent. Even if it’s tempting, resist the urge to indulge in their complaints about your ex.
• Set Clear Boundaries: Agree on behavioral expectations to ensure that your child experiences a unified parenting approach, which is linked to better well-being.
• Create an Extended Family Plan: Discuss and understand the roles of extended family members to ensure harmonious interactions when the child is with either parent.
• Be Prepared for Challenges: Recognize that co-parenting will test your patience. Adjustments should be made for the child’s best interests, not simply to please your ex.
• Embrace the Ordinary: Children benefit from spending quality time doing everyday activities with the parent they see less frequently.
• Keep Each Other Updated: Despite any emotional discomfort, make sure to inform each other of significant life changes or challenges. Your child should never be the go-between for such matters.
• Highlight the Positives: Each of you brings unique strengths to parenting. Acknowledge these traits when you speak to your child, reinforcing a balanced view of both parents.

Don’t…

• Overload Your Child: Avoid involving them in adult conflicts. Never undermine your child’s relationship with your ex by speaking negatively about them.
• Jump to Conclusions: When your child shares something that raises your hackles, breathe and stay calm. Children’s comments can be misleading.
• Be an Unbalanced Parent: Don’t become the “fun” parent at the expense of structure. It creates resentment and confusion when they switch between homes.
• Yield to Guilt: Divorce can stir up a lot of emotions, but overindulgence as a way to compensate only harms your child in the long run.
• Let Your Ex Off the Hook: Don’t undermine rules just to make things difficult for your ex. Maintain consistency in expectations for your child, regardless of your feelings.
• Point Fingers: If issues arise in co-parenting, address them without blame. Frame conversations around the child’s needs: “I’ve noticed some changes when they come back; what can we do together?”

While navigating co-parenting can be a challenge, the effort ultimately pays off for everyone, especially the kids. For more insights into topics like this, check out our other blog post on home insemination.

In summary, successful co-parenting revolves around prioritizing your child’s emotional and physical well-being over adult grievances. It involves open communication, consistent rules, and recognizing each parent’s strengths while avoiding behaviors that put the child in the middle of adult issues.