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It’s Totally Fine If You’re Not Feeling It
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It’s Totally Fine If You’re Not Feeling It
Updated: Sep. 6, 2016
Originally Published: Sep. 6, 2016
You remember the days when it was a regular thing. As a teenager, it was practically an obsession. And when you first tied the knot, it was a nightly affair—how could anyone do otherwise, right? Back then, you could never get enough, often mixing it up with creativity and enthusiasm. But fast forward to today, and here you are, struggling to muster the energy for it even once a month. You’ve become that person—yes, the one you once scoffed at. But guess what? That’s perfectly okay.
Let’s clear something up: you don’t owe anyone sex. Forget about “marital rights” or “obligations.” You are not required to engage in intimacy with anyone against your will, whether it’s coerced or not. It doesn’t matter if you used to have a wild sex life. Just because you were once all about it doesn’t mean you owe your partner the same frequency now.
Rape culture has conditioned many to believe that women owe men sex in various scenarios, whether it’s after a dinner date or, especially, in marriage. There’s this ridiculous notion that if we don’t, our partners might stray or abandon us. But in a healthy relationship, no one should feel they must give their body to another.
Being a mom is no walk in the park. Little hands are always reaching for you—wanting to be held, snuggled, and close to you. By the time they finally settle down for the night, your body might just be screaming for a break from all that contact. You could easily feel “touched out,” and let’s face it, the thought of sex might feel like one more person demanding your attention.
Postpartum hormones can take you on a wild ride too. They often heighten your affection for your newborn while leaving your partner feeling less appealing. If you’re breastfeeding, prolactin can mess with your libido, making it even harder to get in the mood. Any sex you do engage in? Think of it as a bonus—your body is just not on the same page as it used to be.
Plus, let’s not forget the reality of having kids around. Babies often sleep in the same room, and even older kids can burst in at any moment. Sure, you can lock the door, but that doesn’t stop them from knocking and yelling, “Mommy! I need you!” Even the anticipation of interruptions can be enough to kill the mood.
After having a baby, many women feel different in their bodies. I went from a youthful physique to a body that’s seen some changes—stretch marks, sagging skin, and a few extra pounds. The last thing I want is to undress in front of someone, even if my partner reassures me of my attractiveness. This struggle is entirely normal.
Also, according to the CDC, between 11% to 20% of new mothers experience symptoms of postpartum depression, which can zap your desire for intimacy. Medications for depression can further diminish your libido and make it tough to reach orgasm. It’s hard to motivate yourself for something that doesn’t seem rewarding, right?
At the end of the day, your body is yours. Whether you’re not in the mood for one night, a few nights, or even many nights—it’s all okay. Sex can be enjoyable, and you might find yourself liking it once you start, but if you choose to pass, that’s totally within your rights. It’s not just your right as a mother; it’s your right as a woman. Feel free to say no. It’s absolutely okay.
For more insights on the journey of motherhood, you can check out this engaging post on home insemination here. If you’re interested in learning about artificial insemination, visit this great resource from Make a Mom. And for more information on pregnancy and infertility, Women’s Health offers excellent resources.
Summary:
In the midst of motherhood, it’s completely normal to lose interest in sex. The pressures of parenting, hormonal changes, and body image issues can all contribute to a diminished libido. Remember, you don’t owe anyone intimacy—your body is your own, and it’s okay to prioritize your feelings and needs.