Let’s Get Real About Marriage

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Let’s face it: Marriage is no walk in the park. “Hard” doesn’t quite capture the complexity of it all; it feels too bland and simplistic when you consider the rollercoaster ride of emotions that come with it—both the ups and the downs. Perhaps my perspective is skewed because I didn’t grow up witnessing a loving marriage. My parents were in a constant battle, and affection was as rare as a unicorn sighting. I often wondered if they were truly in love or simply stuck together because of their beliefs about marriage.

Divorce is tough, too. I view marriage like an abstract painting—random colors splattered on a canvas, creating a chaotic yet beautiful mess. It can be breathtaking and utterly mundane at the same time. Sometimes it hangs there, right in front of you, and you can’t quite articulate what you’re feeling.

Maybe it’s the judgment I’ve faced regarding my own divorce that made me feel like no one wants to hear about the struggles that marriages can face. So, I’ve often put on a façade, showcasing our relationship as if it were picture-perfect. “Look at us, taking selfies and celebrating our love!” If you were to scroll back seven years, you’d see plenty of that. I wanted everyone to think things were rosy, even when I was terrified we were on the brink of collapse.

What a load of nonsense I was putting out there!

Against all odds—eleven years later, can you believe it?—we’re still together, even after I wrote a piece three months ago detailing our near-failure. Our marriage has hovered perilously close to disaster more times than I can count. I didn’t share the long, grueling conversations we had, or how we both strayed, one out of neglect and the other out of spite. I didn’t talk about our communication struggles or the progress we finally made. I didn’t mention our explorations of polyamory and how those discussions opened us up to a deeper understanding of each other. I didn’t share our moments of pettiness or the apologies we exchanged for our many missteps. There’s so much shame—be it self-inflicted or societal—in admitting that relationships can be messy.

At least that’s what I’ve picked up from social media.

There’s nothing wrong with celebrating a healthy marriage, but it becomes problematic when we start comparing ourselves to the curated snapshots others share. It’s misleading to think that other couples are living in a fairytale while we’re trudging through the mud. And those memes that mock those of us who’ve divorced or “given up” don’t do us any favors either. Life isn’t just about the extremes; it’s about the middle ground too.

That’s where my marriage currently resides—somewhere in that middle ground. We’ve created enough room for our quirks and differences to coexist. It’s not because we’ve discovered some magical love potion or a foolproof formula; it’s because we’ve let go of the notion that marriage must be flawless and fit into a box defined by others. Every relationship has its own rules, and that’s perfectly fine.

So, can we all agree that marriage is hard?

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In summary, marriage is a complex journey filled with highs and lows, often not as perfect as it may seem from the outside. It’s essential to embrace the messiness and find strength in the middle ground, where both partners can thrive despite their differences.