I Don’t Treat My Teen Daughter Differently Just Because She’s a ‘Good’ Kid

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Do well-behaved kids still require rules and limitations? I can hear you asking, “What does it even mean to be a ‘good’ kid?” For me, it’s all about her behavior track record. How often does she fib, or more accurately, how often have I caught her in a fib? Is she getting into trouble at school? What’s her behavior like around her friends? And have I caught her doing something she knows she shouldn’t be doing?

Aside from a couple of fibs that she eventually confessed to after a little digging, I’d say my daughter has been on the “good” side of the spectrum. She just turned 14 last month, so I’m bracing myself for the chaos that might come any day now. But for now, so good.

You’d think I’d be grateful for a child who behaves well—and I absolutely am! But I’ve still had to figure out how to assess her behavior. Here’s the deal: kids can’t break rules if there aren’t any in place. So, how would I know how well-behaved my daughter really is if I don’t establish some boundaries and see how she responds?

Even though my daughter is amazing, I consistently set expectations for her. These parameters serve as a way for me to determine if she’s truly being “good.”

Setting Boundaries

Take, for example, time limits. Last summer, when she turned 13, I let her go to Wonderland with her friends (Wonderland is a massive amusement park near Toronto). I was a bundle of nerves, waiting in line with her before finally watching her disappear into the crowd.

But allowing her to go solo came with some important rules. The biggest one? She had to meet me outside the park at 7 p.m. She has a cell phone, so she knew the time. When the clock struck 7, I expected to see her walking toward my car.

The first time went smoothly, and I was feeling pretty proud of my parenting skills (go ahead and roll your eyes). But on her second outing, she kept me waiting in the parking lot for a solid 30 minutes. No text, no call. Just left me there hanging.

When she finally emerged, I took a deep breath. I didn’t want to embarrass her in front of her friends, so I kept my cool. But once I dropped them off, I informed her she had lost a privilege. I didn’t revoke her trip to Wonderland; I had already committed to that. However, one of her friends was hosting a party the following week that she had been eagerly looking forward to.

Guess who spent the entire day in her room? Yup, that was her.

She was furious with me for a few days, even trying to negotiate, sobbing about how much she hated me. But I stood my ground. Breaking the rules had consequences, and they needed to be impactful.

In hindsight, I could have easily brushed off her lateness; she had a pretty valid excuse. But that wasn’t the point. Since she’s not a troublemaker, I have limited chances to enforce discipline. So when those moments arise, I feel compelled to be firm to drive the message home.

The Importance of Communication

And you know what? It seems to have worked. I mean, what do we parents really know? We try different approaches, our kids react, and we can only hope we’re making the right choices. Ultimately, I believe it’s crucial to communicate my expectations clearly. At the end of the day, it’s up to her to decide if she can meet those standards. My hope is that as she matures, she’ll establish her own expectations, incorporating my guidance into her personal boundaries.

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In summary, just because my daughter is generally well-behaved doesn’t mean I let her off the hook when it comes to discipline. Setting clear expectations and enforcing them, even for the “good” kids, is essential in guiding them towards responsible adulthood.