Lately, my oldest son has been vocal about feeling like I’m tougher on him than on his younger brother. He’s noticed that when his little brother messes up, I tend to let it slide more often. I give him extra warnings and fewer consequences, while his big bro gets sent to his room or loses privileges more frequently. And he’s not wrong. I admit it: I’m more laid back with my younger son.
The thing is, my older son doesn’t yet grasp why I hold him to a higher standard. There are multiple reasons for my tougher approach. The most apparent one is simply age; at 6 and 9 years old, the gap is narrowing, but I still expect more maturity from my older child. I figure at this point, he should know that dropping the F-bomb at the playground isn’t cool, should manage his anger better, and can sit still for a mere 15 minutes to tackle his homework.
Is it fair to have higher expectations for him? Maybe yes, maybe no. But that’s the reality of parenting. I’m not just aiming for my kids to be decent; I want them to be kind, compassionate human beings. So I set the bar high for their behavior. Yet I also recognize that those expectations aren’t always realistic. Parenting is a journey that teaches you to discern what’s worth a swift corrective action and what’s better left alone, given that kids often do some truly silly things.
Another reason I’m stricter with my oldest is that he serves as a role model. He may not realize it, but his actions influence those around him, especially his little brother. His charismatic personality makes him a natural leader; when he’s calm, the household is calm. When he’s being rowdy, it’s like a college dorm party on a Saturday night. And if he’s acting up, his brother tends to follow suit. By managing my older son’s behavior, I often find that it positively impacts the younger one, hitting two birds with one stone.
This doesn’t mean I love my older son any less or that I’m playing favorites. Parenting different kids requires different approaches. What works for one might not suit the other. Loving them equally doesn’t mean treating them identically; they each have unique needs, strengths, and weaknesses. It’s my responsibility as a parent to nurture those needs and help them grow, even if it means being tougher on one of them.
Having been the oldest child myself, I empathize with the frustration of feeling held to impossibly high standards. I remember when my parents were stricter with me than with my younger siblings. But I get it now; they were simply doing their best with the knowledge they had at the time, just as I am. One day, I believe my son will understand that my tough love comes from a place of genuine care.
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In summary, being harder on my older child is not about favoritism; it’s about setting expectations based on maturity, leadership, and unique family dynamics. Each child requires a tailored approach to thrive, and sometimes that means being a little tougher on the oldest.