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I Used to Spank My Child, But Here’s Why I Stopped
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Parenting
I grew up in a place where spanking was the norm, in a small southern town. As a kid, if I misbehaved, I knew I had to either be sneaky or be prepared to choose my own switch. Although I rarely found myself in that situation, the few times I did are etched in my memory. I can still recall the dreadful walk to my room, stuffing my pajamas with washcloths, and covering my behind with my hands while I begged for mercy. Honestly, just thinking about it makes me feel nauseous.
It wasn’t until I became a new mother that I truly reflected on the effects of spanking. On my first night home from the hospital with my baby boy, I sat in a rocking chair for hours while he peacefully dozed on my chest. In that moment, I was overwhelmed by the fragility of this little human and the immense responsibility of motherhood. As tears rolled down my cheeks, I whispered, “Mommy will never hurt you, I promise.”
Fast forward three years, and I found myself spanking my son for the first time. It was a split-second reaction when he ran into the street. I grabbed his arm and struck his bottom. The look on his face—confusion, anger, and betrayal—was unforgettable. I quickly justified my actions, thinking this was the “right” way to parent, even if it felt wrong.
I had heard the saying “this hurts me more than it hurts you” enough times that I actually began to believe it. Despite my deep discomfort, I set a precedent and continued to physically discipline my son. However, rather than improving his behavior, it actually got worse. One day, he hit his little sister, and I was horrified. I shouted, “We do NOT hit in this family, son. You know better!”
With tears in his eyes, he retorted, “But Mommy, you hit me!”
And he was right. That moment shattered my heart and made me confront the flawed logic behind spanking. I comforted him, but the heavy feeling of guilt lingered throughout the day, and I became increasingly convinced that my actions were profoundly wrong.
When my partner returned home, we had a serious talk. Even though we were both raised in spanking households, it wasn’t a method we intended to use with our children. We realized we had fallen into this pattern because we didn’t have an alternative strategy. After much discussion, we concluded that we both felt spanking was abusive and decided to do better.
That evening, we dove into research on the long-term effects of various disciplinary methods—something we wished we had done much earlier. We found a consensus among experts: spanking is not only ineffective but harmful. Studies indicate that physical punishment can lead to increased aggression, antisocial behavior, and even mental health issues in children.
Coming to terms with the fact that I had caused harm to my child was a bitter pill to swallow, especially since I had believed I was acting in his best interest. My cultural justifications crumbled when I examined the logic behind physical punishment. Later that night, I came across a quote that perfectly captured my feelings: “Is the child old enough to understand reason? Yes? Then reason with them. No? Then they’re not old enough to understand why you’re spanking them.”
It dawned on me that hitting my child never made sense; it was simply something I had accepted as normal. “My parents did it” was hardly a valid excuse for abuse.
My partner and I decided to break the cycle. That night, I crept into my son’s room and planted a kiss on his forehead. Although he had grown significantly, he still had that cherubic look from his baby days. Running my fingers through his curly hair, I leaned down to whisper, “I promise you, son. Mommy will never lay a hand on you again.” And this time, I truly kept my promise.
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Summary
The author reflects on their upbringing in a culture of spanking and how becoming a parent led them to reconsider its impact. After an eye-opening incident with their child, they and their partner decide to eliminate physical punishment from their parenting approach, realizing it is not only ineffective but harmful.