Quirky Advice for My Daughters in Case of My Untimely Departure

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Last night, as I settled into a warm bath with a fizzy drink and a glossy magazine (yes, I admit I was reading celebrity gossip), a peculiar little figure latched onto my leg.

“Who are you, odd rubber toy? A relic from a fast-food meal? A bizarre cousin of those Shopkins things?” I placed it on the tub’s edge beside a collection of other oddities and noticed Barbie, hand-in-hand with a rather vintage-looking action figure. She seemed to be sharing an intimate moment with her rather grim companion, her hair a tangled mess.

What a delightful oddity to find on my bathtub’s edge! In that moment, I reflected on how profoundly my life has been enriched by my two wonderfully unique daughters. The walls of our home wouldn’t be the same without their colorful scribbles and silly photos, or the occasional scuff mark from their cartwheel attempts.

I couldn’t fathom how my love for their father would be lessened if I hadn’t witnessed him dressing Barbie in tiny jeans or tenderly carrying a sleeping child from the car to her bed. The little things—like finding a glittery sticker stuck to my sock or an American Girl earring lodged in my foot—make every day an adventure.

And so, as I pondered over the odd little figure, I realized how wild, weird, and wonderful my girls are. My greatest hope is that I don’t mess them up.

Later, I watched them play “house” and wished for that magical world to last forever, where plastic treats never melt, couch cushions become vehicles, and sisters are always best friends. As I donned my daughter’s superhero cape and cradled her doll, I realized how unprepared I feel to guide them through the outside world.

I don’t possess the wisdom for sleep training Baby Alive or navigating the intricacies of marriage, menstruation, or dealing with mean girls. But I do have my own collection of experiences—my mix of successes and blunders. So, I decided to jot down some thoughts for them, should something happen to me.

To my girls, should I meet an untimely end due to a rogue plastic toy or an unfortunate encounter with a wayward doll accessory, here’s my haphazard wisdom:

• Baby wipes are great for cleaning deodorant stains off shirts, and a dull razor can save your sweaters from unsightly pilling. For everything else, vinegar or beer will do—one for cleaning, and one to endure the cleaning process. Pick your poison.
• Life may not always be sweet like a pink Starburst; some days will be downright sour. But remember, even a yellow day is worth living.
• Heartbreak is part of life. It’s inevitable and painful, but it’s a sign that you’ve loved deeply. Embrace it.
• Always shake the ketchup before using it; nobody wants that watery tomato mess. And for the love of all that is good, avoid scary movies before bedtime.
• Show love whenever you can, but don’t hesitate to flaunt your legs every once in a while.
• You probably won’t have a backstory dramatic enough for reality TV. Sorry, but you’re too fabulous for that.
• Steer clear of anyone who calls you “Lil’ Mama,” or who greets you with “Talk to me!”—those are red flags.
• Be generous when the opportunity arises. And if you ever get to hold a baby animal, dress it up if you can!
• Take risks! But do yourself a favor and avoid the “road less traveled.” It’s fraught with danger—think tetanus and feral cats!
• Not everything that glitters is gold—or a good choice for eye makeup.
• There are moments in life where strong language is warranted. But remember, some words should never be uttered.
• Always say “bless you” after a sneeze and “thank you” when someone holds the door. It’s simply polite. But if someone shoves a Jell-O shot in your face, feel free to express your discontent.
• Avoid situations where someone asks you to “hold my earrings.”
• Social media is like a movie trailer showcasing only the best scenes. Remember, life is about more than just the highlights.
• Never partake in drinks called jungle juice or anything served in a fraternity basement. Seriously, just steer clear of those places.
• Don’t text and drive, or do anything else that could distract you behind the wheel. However, feel free to belt out your favorite tunes!
• Compete fiercely in spelling bees and javelin throws, but skip the wet T-shirt contests—genetics aren’t on your side.
• May your best comebacks come to you on time, not three hours later while you’re showering.
• Live life boldly, but not in the “camping at a music festival” way.
• Everyone has a unique story. Just because someone’s highlight reel looks different from yours doesn’t make it any less valuable.
• Know your social security number, your bra size, and your immeasurable worth.
• A hand that instinctively braces you when the car brakes is a hand that loves you fiercely.
• Never hesitate to apologize when you mean it, but don’t do it just to be liked.
• There’s no such thing as running into an ex while looking flawless or popping into Target for just one item.
• Keep at least one nude bra handy but skip the nude selfies.
• And remember, my dear girls, never dim your sparkle. Stay unique, stay sweet, stay curious, and always stay mine.

This post was also featured on our other blog, Home Insemination Kit, where you can find more insights. And for couples on their fertility journey, check out this resource for valuable information. For more on pregnancy and home insemination, this link offers excellent resources.

In summary, life is a blend of oddities, heartbreak, and joy. Embrace your quirks and navigate the world with humor and honesty.