6 Things I Want My Tween to Understand About Mean Girls

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The crumpled note slid across the floor of the library like it was on a secret mission, finally stopping at my sneaker. I was lost in the pages of A Wrinkle in Time until the silence broke. With a quick glance around the empty aisle, I picked up the note, and my heart sank. Two girls I thought were friends had scribbled a message addressing me as “It” and tossed around some colorful language to critique my clothes, hair, and grades. Hot tears welled up as I crumpled the paper and stuffed it into my pocket. I darted to the bathroom, waiting until the recess bell dragged me back to sixth grade English.

Thus began a relentless cycle of bullying, a cruel game played by those two girls who made it their mission to exclude me and spread rumors. I was left wondering why my friends had turned on me, too ashamed to confide in a teacher or my parents. The only option I could see was to suffer in silence.

Fast forward to today, and my 11-year-old is about to dive into the treacherous waters of middle school. While both boys and girls can be cruel, as a mom of three daughters, I often find myself navigating the unkindness of girls. Middle school is a battlefield of hormones and shifting friendships, where girls sometimes wield their social power with malicious intent. If my daughter encounters a mean girl or becomes a target, here’s what I want her to know:

1. Meanness is Never Acceptable.
   No matter the reason behind someone’s unkind actions, bullying is never justified. I spent countless days questioning why those girls were so cruel, as if I had somehow invited their behavior. The truth is, it doesn’t matter. Their actions were wrong, period.
2. Trust in Yourself.
   Don’t let anyone dictate who you are or how you feel about yourself. When those girls insulted me, I began to doubt my worth. You are extraordinary, with all your flaws and mistakes. Never let anyone convince you otherwise.
3. Seek Support.
   Some kids can confront bullies head-on, while others, like my middle school self, find it impossible. If you feel overwhelmed, reach out for help. Whether it’s a teacher, a parent, or another trusted adult, you don’t have to face this alone. There’s always someone willing to listen and assist.
4. Be an Ally.
   Remember, meanness is unacceptable, whether it’s directed at you or someone else. Stand up for your friends and yourself. Ignoring the issue only perpetuates the cycle of cruelty. When you and your friends unite against mean girls, you send a clear message that their behavior won’t be tolerated.
5. Mean Girls Have Their Struggles Too.
   While this won’t lessen your pain, understanding where a mean girl is coming from can be enlightening. One of my bullies was dealing with a tumultuous home life; her father struggled with alcoholism. It didn’t excuse her actions, but it added a layer of complexity to her behavior.
6. Check Yourself.
   We all have our off days and moments of frustration, but be mindful not to take it out on others. Being a mean girl is exhausting and ultimately unfulfilling. If you’re feeling overwhelmed, tell me. There are healthier ways to process those negative feelings.

Eventually, a teacher noticed the bullying and intervened, leading to the girls facing consequences. With support, I found the courage to tell my parents and confront my bullies, who sincerely apologized. While I forgave them, I chose to distance myself and find a new circle of friends. The experience was tough, but it equipped me with the knowledge to handle similar situations in the future. Life will always have its share of unkind people, but empowering my daughter with confidence and tools to face bullies head-on can help her navigate those rough hallways.

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Summary

Navigating middle school can be challenging, particularly when it comes to dealing with mean girls. It’s vital for tweens to understand that meanness is never acceptable, to believe in themselves, to seek help when needed, to be allies for others, and to recognize that bullies often face their own struggles. By fostering self-confidence and resilience, we can empower them to confront these situations effectively.