Conquering Guilt and Self-Blame as a Mother of a Preemie

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As mothers, guilt is a familiar companion. We can feel remorse for everything—from raising our voices at our children to declining their request for the same bedtime story for the umpteenth time! A sprinkle of guilt can motivate us to strive for better, but then there’s that relentless guilt with no real basis, the kind that festers and leads us to unfairly blame ourselves for things beyond our control. This is especially true for mothers of premature babies, who carry a heavy burden of guilt every single day.

The self-blame doesn’t start and stop with your baby arriving early; it encompasses countless other aspects that weigh on your conscience. The guilt can intensify each time you have to step away from the NICU, leaving your little one behind. Once your baby is finally home, the mental struggle to accept what happened and process all those suppressed emotions—including guilt—becomes a significant hurdle. It’s crucial to recognize that none of this is your fault.

I want to share some of the things I felt guilty about, hoping to show other preemie moms that they are not alone in their self-blame and that acknowledging these feelings can be a step toward healing.

1. I’m sorry you had to come into this world too soon. The guilt about your baby’s premature birth is often the first feeling that hits. Regardless of the circumstances, every mother wonders if there was something she could have done differently. But the truth is, it was beyond your control. Accepting that is pivotal in quieting the nagging voice of self-doubt.
2. I’m sorry I couldn’t deliver you the way I wanted. Many premature births involve C-sections, and for me, that was incredibly painful. Having experienced a natural birth with my first child, I felt robbed of the beautiful moments that should have come with your arrival. I mourned the loss of skin-to-skin contact and the instant bonding that I had with my other child.
3. I’m sorry I had to leave you behind. Leaving your baby in the NICU is gut-wrenching. I thought I should be a mess each time I walked out, yet I managed to keep it together, which only added to my guilt. It’s normal to build a protective wall around your emotions to cope.
4. I’m sorry I wasn’t always there. For parents with other children, balancing time is often a juggling act. I felt guilty for only being able to spend a few hours a day with my babies. But remember, every moment you spend with them is valuable, and you’re doing your best!
5. I’m sorry I had to let others care for you. This might sound irrational, but I struggled with the fact that others were caring for my babies. It felt unnatural to think they were finding comfort in someone else, but it’s essential to remind ourselves that they needed specialized care.
6. I’m sorry I couldn’t shield you from pain. Watching your child undergo medical procedures is heartbreaking. You want to protect them, but it’s vital to understand that sometimes, those experiences are necessary for their well-being.
7. I’m sorry I felt so numb. The emotional distance I felt during those early days was troubling. It took time to reconnect with the overwhelming love I felt for my children. I still grieve for the moments I missed while I was in survival mode.

These are just a few of the things I wrestled with, and I could easily add more to the list. Coming to terms with your guilt is a gradual process that unfolds as you and your family adjust to life at home. It’s often painful, but you’re an incredible mom for navigating such a challenging time. Writing a letter to my children helped me articulate my feelings and start to let go. Whatever method you choose to process your guilt, remember: You are not to blame.

September is Neonatal Intensive Care Awareness Month, honoring NICU patients and their families. For more insights, check out this excellent resource on infertility and pregnancy.

Summary

This article discusses the feelings of guilt and self-blame that often accompany being a mother of a premature baby. It highlights common sources of guilt, such as feelings of inadequacy surrounding the baby’s early arrival, the inability to bond during critical moments, and the emotional toll of leaving a child in the NICU. The piece emphasizes the importance of recognizing that many of these feelings are universal and that acceptance is key to moving forward.