In my formative years, I grew up in a household where kids were meant to be seen, not heard. Disagreements weren’t tolerated, backtalk was a no-no, and Sunday mornings were reserved for church. Jeans were only acceptable if they were fresh and new, and at age 10, I was declared a conservative Republican without a clue what that meant — yet I didn’t dare question it. My sisters and I followed the rules like obedient little soldiers. I vowed I would never impose such rigidity on my own children. I would be the “cool” mom who let them do whatever they wanted. That strict upbringing? No thanks!
Then came junior high, and my world flipped upside down when my parents divorced. Life at home became more laid-back, and I finally felt like I could take a deep breath. It was liberating, and I craved that freedom.
As the most vocal member of my family, I often felt like a misfit. In fact, there were moments at church when I tempted fate, wanting to leap onto the pew and shout just to see the looks on people’s faces. I enjoyed shaking things up. However, after becoming a parent, I found myself clinging to some of those strict principles I had loathed in my childhood, despite my rebellious thoughts back then.
Not everything, of course. I’ve always encouraged my kids to explore their beliefs and identities freely. Yet, in public spaces, I often caught myself tightening the reins, having absurd expectations about their eating habits, and sometimes falling into the trap of overparenting. My instinct to be overprotective and strict felt natural, even though it suffocated me as a kid.
No one wants to raise a bratty child or be the parent of that kid who teaches your child something cringeworthy. I also didn’t want to be so strict that my kids missed the chance to express themselves. I found myself enforcing rules I couldn’t even keep. For instance, during a car ride to a birthday party, when my son was acting up, I threatened to deny him cake. That wasn’t fair to the lovely mom who had organized the whole event and had a sugary feast ready!
Sure, kids need boundaries, but I realized I was being overly rigid. It’s a challenge to find the right balance as a parent — a struggle that many of my friends are still grappling with. The way you were raised can often influence how you raise your own children, and sometimes you want to replicate the good lessons learned from your own parents. I’ve done both, and it’s a weird mix of anxiety and liberation to see your kids do things you were once forbidden to do.
This summer, I made a conscious effort to embrace the liberating moments more often. I let go of some of my anxieties about trivial matters, such as letting my kids enjoy a soda or not nagging them about having immaculate rooms. This doesn’t make me a bad parent; rather, it was a wake-up call when my son pointed out how I was always fixating on perfection. That hit home, and I realized I never want my children to feel like they need to strive for an unattainable ideal. Life is about making mistakes, learning from them, and discovering who we really are through those experiences.
I had been too controlling, stressing over rules that really didn’t matter. Honestly, who cares if the beds are made or if I vacuum under the couch? If my kids want to sleep in their clothes to save time in the morning, why is that a big deal? I often found myself nagging constantly. There were days I couldn’t stand the sound of my own voice, repeating phrases like, “Go change your clothes,” or “Clean your fingernails.”
So, I’ve eased up a bit. My kids don’t need me micromanaging every aspect of their lives. This doesn’t mean I’m failing as a parent, nor does it mean they’re destined to grow up to be rude. They are individuals, not robots, and they should have the freedom to get messy and even belch in public (with a polite “excuse me,” of course!).
The notion that “children should be seen and not heard” is outdated and misguided. I understand that my parents’ strict upbringing influenced their parenting style, but experiencing moments of rigidity myself and witnessing my kids’ reactions reminded me of how it felt to be trapped, wanting to scream, “Enough already!” I don’t want my kids to feel that way constantly. Sure, we’ll have our moments, but they don’t need to be the norm. I want them to express their thoughts without fear. It’s crucial to distinguish between disrespect and respectfully asserting one’s opinions.
I want to empower them to say no and seek help when needed, rather than blindly obeying adults, especially when those adults might lead them astray. I want them to grow into respectful, capable adults, and I can achieve that even if I take a step back.
So, you could say I’ve started to care less about the small stuff. I’ve shifted my focus to raising good kids without being overly uptight, and I can honestly say it’s made us all happier — especially me.
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Summary:
The author reflects on their strict upbringing and how it influenced their parenting style. After realizing the need for balance, they embraced a more relaxed approach, allowing their children to express themselves freely while still maintaining necessary boundaries. This shift has led to a happier family dynamic, proving that it’s okay to let go of overbearing parenting habits.