A week ago, I discovered I was pregnant. It had been six weeks since my last period, and deep down, I knew when I bought the test that it would show positive.
When I walked into the room, my partner paused his video game. I told him the result, and we both sat on the couch in silence, unsure of what to say next.
This wasn’t an unexpected pregnancy. At thirty-five, I’ve worked hard to build a stable career in San Francisco with my partner by my side. Together, we’ve crafted a fulfilling life, and we agreed that this was the right time to start a family. I stopped taking birth control, and for seven months, we let fate take its course. If I became pregnant, we would embrace it; if not, we’d keep living our lives as they were.
We’re both educated and understand the implications of unprotected sex, yet receiving something we both desired felt surprisingly unsettling.
The next day, we still avoided discussing the pregnancy, clinging to the hope that perhaps the test was wrong. Maybe we hadn’t followed the instructions correctly, and our lives wouldn’t dramatically shift.
But as days passed, the reality began to settle in: we were going to have a baby.
Since that realization, I’ve been crying—often unexpectedly. Whether I’m brushing my teeth or reaching for a snack at work, the tears come pouring out. And they’re not happy tears; they’re the kind that feel like an endless stream of emotions I can’t contain.
I needed to confide in someone. I wanted reassurance that everything would turn out alright. I reached out to my mom, hoping for some comforting words.
“Are you so excited?” she asked.
That’s when I broke down, covering the phone so she couldn’t hear my sobs. No, I’m not excited. In fact, I’m scared, angry, and sad—anything but excited.
Then came the guilt. Society often portrays mothers as euphoric upon learning they’re expecting. They cry joyful tears, get swept up in celebrations, and share elaborate announcements. The thought of participating in any of that sends me into a panic.
What’s wrong with me? Does this mean I won’t be a good mother? Am I the only woman who feels let down by a planned pregnancy?
I tried to avoid the internet, but the urge to seek empathy was too strong. I typed into Google, “I just found out I’m pregnant, and I’m not excited.” To my surprise, countless articles popped up, and I clicked on one that resonated with me. A woman shared her own story of feeling unprepared despite having made the decision to stop taking birth control. “I’m not excited. I don’t know if I want this anymore,” she wrote.
A weight lifted off my shoulders; I found someone who understood my feelings of sadness, someone who also cherished their child-free life and still felt lost upon discovering they were pregnant.
I braced myself for backlash in the comments section, expecting judgment from those who struggled to conceive. Instead, I found compassion. One woman, who had endured multiple miscarriages, shared her own feelings of sadness and guilt upon realizing she would carry her baby to term. Another described her mourning period when she learned she was pregnant with her first child, grieving the life she knew would change forever.
I hesitated to reach out to anyone else after my conversation with my mom, but I needed reassurance. I texted a close friend who has a child, confessing my fears. “I’m not ready for this to be public yet, but I’m pregnant and freaking out. Please tell me that’s normal,” I wrote.
Seconds later, my phone rang. Instead of congratulating me, she said, “It’s totally normal.”
A breath I didn’t realize I was holding escaped me. She shared that when she found out she was pregnant, she waited a whole day to tell her husband. Even with the excitement of trying for a baby, she felt overwhelmed, cried, and feared her life was over. It wasn’t until she heard her child’s heartbeat that she began to feel joy.
After our chat, I cried again, but this time, amidst the sadness, I felt relief. I’m not alone; this is normal. It’s a mantra I’ll need to repeat to myself over the next eight months, and my friends will likely remind me of it too.
And the reality is, it’s perfectly normal. I’m just like everyone else.
If you’re curious about more on this topic, check out our privacy policy at this link and the excellent resource on pregnancy and home insemination at the NHS. For further details about home insemination kits, visit Cryobaby’s site.
Summary
Discovering that you’re pregnant can evoke a whirlwind of emotions, even if it was a planned pregnancy. Many women experience feelings of fear, sadness, and uncertainty, despite societal expectations of joy. It’s essential to know that these feelings are normal and shared by others. Finding support and understanding can help navigate this complex emotional landscape.