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Am I Lacking the Maternal Instinct?
I always envisioned myself as a mother. Despite never being particularly nurturing (I was the worst babysitter on the block), I thought that once I became a mom, I’d magically transform into someone who was maternal. I imagined myself among those other moms, showering babies with sloppy kisses and gushing over chubby toddler legs. Surely, I would develop a flair for baby talk and engage in endless games of patty cake. I pictured myself creating adorable nicknames for my kids and never raising my voice.
Isn’t that the essence of motherhood? This idealized image of motherhood has been ingrained in me since childhood, making it hard not to feel inadequate if I don’t get gooey-eyed over babies or feel a rush of hormones at the sight of a newborn.
Not only has society painted this picture of motherhood, but I also observe the way other women embrace it. I see them cooing at infants, showering them with affection, and co-sleeping for years. I hear them speaking gently and patiently to their little ones. Watching them leaves me wondering: Is something wrong with me? Am I missing that elusive maternal gene?
I find baby talk cringe-worthy and I’m not the cuddly type. After a few moments of snuggling, I crave my own space. I can be impatient and, let’s be honest, I raise my voice more than I’d like. I didn’t co-sleep, and my breastfeeding journey lasted about as long as it took me to discover formula.
Sometimes, I watch these other mothers snuggling their babies with ease and comfort and wish I could be more like them. I long for their calm demeanor, for affection to come naturally. I question why I don’t feel that rush of warmth for babies; instead of my ovaries bursting with longing, they remain firmly shut, even in the presence of the cutest little ones.
I often spend my days pondering if I’m a good enough mom. I observe other mothers, read about parenting techniques, and wish I could emulate this or that quality. I wonder if something is inherently off about me because I lack a certain maternal instinct.
But here’s the truth we need to remind ourselves — what I need to keep telling myself — there is no single “right” way to be a good mother. There is no mom gene. Motherhood takes on many forms, and being maternal—whatever that really means—is not a prerequisite for being a caring mother.
In the past, my self-evaluation as a mother was always influenced by preconceived notions of what maternal means, and how I compared myself to other women rather than focusing on my relationship with my own kids. I used to think I was deficient, that I was lacking in some way. I felt too much of this and not enough of that. But all that self-doubt was based on the standards set by others, not on my unique style of mothering. My kids don’t have those other women as mothers; they have me.
Sure, I might not be as affectionate or patient as some, but those other women aren’t raising my children—I am. I may have my quirks, but I love my kids fiercely and wholeheartedly. I might not engage in endless cuddles or baby talk, but I’m their biggest champion and protector (with some help from my husband, of course). My children are happy and content, largely because I parent them in a way that feels right for me.
Of course, there’s always room for improvement, and I fall short of my lofty expectations regularly. Yet, there are also countless ways in which I excel at this motherhood gig — at least in the way I define it.
So yes, I might not possess that so-called mom gene, and that’s perfectly fine because it simply doesn’t exist. Unless, of course, you’re talking about the other kind — you know, those mom jeans. In that case, I don’t have those either.
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In summary, motherhood is not about fitting into a mold or adhering to societal expectations. It’s about finding your own path, loving your children in your unique way, and realizing that there’s no single definition of what it means to be a good mom.