Your cart is currently empty!
You Can Promote Abstinence Without Shaming Your Teen
When it comes to sex education, opinions often fall into two polar opposite camps. On one side, we have the abstinence-only advocates who believe that discussing birth control will only encourage kids to have sex, so they opt to keep the conversation about safer practices under wraps. On the other side are those who think, “Teens are going to have sex anyway,” leading to a casual distribution of condoms and lubricants in school corridors.
Honestly, both extremes do a disservice to our kids.
In our household, we’ve taken the homeschooling route, meaning it’s up to my partner, Jake, and me to navigate these tricky waters of sexual education. We firmly believe that our kids should be informed about everything related to sex. We don’t shy away from discussing this complex topic; in fact, we make it a point to engage in open conversations regularly. As our kids near the age when they’ll face questions about sex themselves, we want to equip them with all the necessary details.
I’m a proponent of abstinence, and I firmly believe that while it’s essential to encourage waiting, we must also provide teens with the basic realities of sex, pregnancy, and disease prevention. This is simply comprehensive health education, and it’s crucial regardless of personal beliefs.
Using shame as a tactic to dissuade teens from having sex doesn’t sit right with me. Sure, we want our kids to hold off on sexual activity for both health and faith reasons, but I refuse to make them feel embarrassed about their sexuality. It’s entirely possible to advocate for waiting without framing sex as something dirty or shameful.
Let’s face it: sex is powerful and exhilarating, which is precisely why we encourage our kids to wait. We want them to have fulfilling and healthy sexual experiences—just not until they’re ready. Of course, sex can be tempting, but as parents, we need to be realistic. However, being realistic doesn’t have to mean assuming that all teens are having sex. I didn’t engage in sexual activities during high school, nor did Jake or most of our close friends. And guess what? We didn’t feel like we were the odd ones out.
According to the CDC, in a 2015 survey, 41% of high school students reported having sexual intercourse. While that’s significant, it still means that more than half of students are choosing not to engage in sexual activity. The average age for losing virginity is around 17 for both genders, indicating that many teens hold off until after high school. So, if my kids decide to have sex in their teenage years, it won’t be because “everyone else is doing it”—because they’re not.
We’ll be honest with our kids about the fact that while condoms and birth control can minimize risks, sex isn’t 100% safe. There’s always a chance of pregnancy or STDs, and I want them to understand that reality without relying on fear tactics. I had no idea how frequently birth control fails until I was older. In fact, we’ve had a couple of “surprise” kids ourselves! Sex can be enjoyable but it comes with its risks—always.
Eventually, though, they will be ready to take those risks. I’ll explain that if they decide to veer from our beliefs about waiting until marriage, they should consider two key indicators that they are ready for sex. First, if you’re not prepared for the possibility of pregnancy and all the life-altering decisions that come with it, then you’re not ready for sex. Secondly, if you don’t know someone well enough to discuss their sexual history and trust them to be honest with you, then you’re not ready to take that step.
We also plan to discuss the emotional aspects of sexual relationships, which can be just as important as the physical ones. When people treat sex as a casual encounter without emotional connection, they miss out on what can be a profound experience of intimacy. That’s why we’ll encourage our kids to wait until they are in a loving, healthy, and committed relationship.
We understand that everyone has different views on sex, and while our faith teaches that it should be reserved for marriage, we won’t shame them if they choose differently. No weird analogies about lost virginity here—no crushed flowers or used toothbrushes! We get it; navigating this terrain is complicated, and we respect their autonomy as they mature.
Our aim is to guide them toward taking responsibility for their choices, encouraging them to think through their decisions, and preparing them for the complexities that come with them. We’ll educate them about how pregnancy and contraception work, the realities of disease transmission, what consent looks like, and how to handle peer pressure.
Above all, we will stress that until they are genuinely ready for the responsibilities and possibilities that come with sex, they aren’t ready to engage in it. Even if you strip away moral beliefs, abstinence is still statistically the smartest and healthiest choice for teens. And guess what? You don’t need to resort to shame to drive that point home.
If you want to dive deeper into topics like this, check out some insightful advice in our post here. For those interested in home insemination, Make A Mom is a fantastic resource. Plus, the CDC offers excellent information on pregnancy and home insemination.
In summary, promoting abstinence can be done without shaming or instilling fear in our children. By providing them with honest, comprehensive education about sex, we empower them to make informed and responsible choices.