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Dear Tween: I’m Not Your Adversary
This morning didn’t exactly go as planned. In fact, it was a complete train wreck. Mornings in our home are like a game of Jenga, where one wrong move can send everything tumbling down. Everyone rushes around, trying to make it out the door before the carpool leaves. This morning, you were the one who tipped the balance, and it was a tough fall for you.
Perhaps it all began when you dashed upstairs to grab the homework you forgot, accidentally bumping into your younger sibling. Maybe it was when you decided to check Snapchat instead of putting on your shoes, prompting me to remind you to put the phone down. Or it could have been when you discovered a broken guitar string, leaving you frozen in anxiety about your music teacher’s reaction. The frustration was evident as your face turned red and tears filled your eyes. You stomped your foot, declaring you couldn’t face school today. I tried to remain calm, reassuring you that you could handle it and that the guitar string was fixable, but you weren’t having any of it.
In that moment, I made the difficult choice to let the carpool leave without you, knowing they couldn’t wait. I turned back to find your devastated expression, and it was clear you held me responsible for all that had gone wrong.
That’s when I became the villain in your story.
You unleashed your frustration, saying you hoped I was proud of making you late for school, missing your science quiz, and being penalized for not turning in your homework. Your angry words triggered my own insecurities as a parent. Did I fail to help you organize your things last night? Should I have paid more attention this morning? How could you think I wanted to see you fail? Our emotions clashed, each of us daring the other to escalate the conflict. I crossed my arms, lecturing you on accountability and responsibility, while you shot daggers at me with your eyes and muttered something snarky under your breath. In my frustration, I confiscated your phone for the week.
Sure, I may have had the last word, but I didn’t come out victorious. I don’t relish your anger or unhappiness. I’m not here to be the enemy or complicate your life. That is not my role, even if you believe otherwise. Being a tween is tough, with intense emotions and the responsibility of your actions weighing heavily on your shoulders. My job is to provide a safe space for you to express your feelings—anger, sadness, confusion, and heartbreak. I set boundaries to keep you safe while respecting your emotions. I don’t want to be a miserable mom, and I take my responsibilities seriously for both our sakes.
I wear many hats, but I am not your adversary. I am your mom, who loves you infinitely. I’m your caretaker, your confidante, your biggest cheerleader, and your most honest critic. I’ll call you out when you mess up, remind you that mistakes are part of being human, and guide you to do better. I’ll celebrate your successes and dance like a goofball when you’re filled with joy.
I understand that you’re navigating a whirlwind of feelings right now—hormones, growing pains, increased schoolwork, shifting friendships, and the desire to grow up already. It’s a lot to handle, but remember, I’m always here for you as you navigate these chaotic tween years.
So, how about we have a chat? Let’s talk before we hit any bumps in the road. Share with me how you’re doing. Are you sleeping well? How was soccer practice? Have you heard from your camp bestie lately? Can I hear the latest song you downloaded? Let’s catch up on the everyday moments that excite you and fill your heart with wonder. I promise to ask, and I hope you’ll do your best to respond.
When we do find ourselves feeling heated, let’s try to give each other the benefit of the doubt. It’s usually the circumstances—a forgotten assignment, a broken guitar string, or a sleepless night—that trigger our stress, not each other. And remember, I love you like crazy.
I’m on your side. Always.
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Summary
Navigating the challenges of raising a tween can be tough for both parents and kids. This heartfelt letter emphasizes the importance of open communication and understanding amidst the emotional turmoil of adolescence. As parents, our role is to provide a safe environment, set boundaries, and be a supportive presence while our children navigate their feelings.