The Homework Drinking Game: A Parenting Survival Guide

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Let’s face it: homework can be a real pain in the neck. It was a hassle when I was a kid, a struggle in college, and now, as a parent, it’s a whole new level of nonsense with my kids bringing home assignments that could rival a small novel. Last weekend, for instance, my son returned with a staggering 96 algebra problems. One class, 96 problems—seriously! And let’s not even start on the timing, right in the middle of football season!

So, to cope with the madness, I’ve come up with a little twist: why not turn the homework grind into a drinking game? It might not speed up the process, but it’ll definitely make it a bit less miserable. Ready? Here’s how it goes:

• Take one sip every time you remind your child to focus. Example: “Stop trying to train the cat and finish your homework.”
• Take a sip if you end up using a kitchen knife to sharpen a pencil because you can’t find any of the 43 plastic sharpeners you purchased.
• Take a sip if you go on a mini treasure hunt to find a decent eraser because the one on your kid’s pencil is either worn out or has been chewed to bits.
• Take a sip when your child needs glue and you wonder why on Earth that’s a home task. Didn’t we send the Elmer’s to school?
• Take a gulp every time you ask, “Are you sure your teacher said to do it this way? That’s not how we did it back in my day.”
• Take a gulp for every audible sigh or eye roll—whether it’s from you or your child.
• Take a gulp if your child freaks out because they can’t find a crayon that matches their artistic vision. Double the gulp if you have to argue that “apricot” is a totally valid substitute for peach. Triple it if you’re a person of color trying to match hues with names like “Burnt Umber” and “Fuzzy Wuzzy.”
• Take two sips if you find yourself doing mental math to verify your child’s homework answers. Double it if you can’t do it without moving your lips.
• Take two gulps if you need to use your fingers, scratch it out on paper, or grab a calculator.
• Take three sips if you wonder how dinner is going to get done amidst all this homework chaos.
• Take three sips every time you have to text a mom friend for assignment details because your kid forgot something vital at school.
• Take three gulps if you find yourself texting, calling, or emailing your child’s teacher for information that was supposedly sent home but now seems to have vanished.

Bonus Rounds

• Chug if you discover a project due tomorrow that requires supplies you don’t have. (Pro tip: Send someone else to the store.)
• If your child springs a massive assignment on you that was assigned over a week ago, take a shot.
• If your kid’s backpack strap breaks within two months of school starting, take a shot.
• Every time you have to Google or watch a YouTube video to figure out how to solve your kid’s math problem, take a shot.
• If your child digs out a school spirit fundraiser catalog and excitedly tells you about the “prizes” they can win, take a double shot.
• If they bring home chocolate bars for fundraising, skip the shot and just eat the whole box yourself, then write them a check.

For more parenting adventures, check out this post on home insemination kits—it’s another topic that can feel just as complicated! You can also learn more about artificial insemination at Make A Mom, an authority on the subject. And for a comprehensive understanding of in vitro fertilization, visit Wikipedia.

In summary, turning homework into a drinking game can help ease the frustrations that come with it, providing a little levity to a challenging situation. Remember, you’re not alone in this struggle!