Having three kids has taught me one thing: parenting advice can be downright awful. I’m tired of reading tips that make parenting seem like a walk in the park while I’m over here questioning my sanity. So, let’s get real. Here’s a list of no-nonsense baby tips that won’t make you feel like a failure.
- Baby pajamas with button crotches? Designed by someone who clearly hates parents. Go for zippers, trust me on this one.
- Babies cry, pee, poop, and puke. That’s their entire repertoire. Understanding this will help you realize your baby is just being a baby.
- Heads up: Baby boys have an uncanny ability to aim straight for your face during diaper changes. Keep your mouth shut!
- The first solid food diaper change? Brace yourself; it’ll smell worse than anything you can imagine. Eat something light that day.
- Avoid wearing black. Spit-up and boogers are like neon signs on dark clothing.
- New parents often try to make their baby laugh by bouncing them, only to get a mouthful of vomit. Trust me, it happens.
- Remember, doctors won’t prescribe anything for kids under 2. This might help you resist the urge to rush to urgent care for every sneeze.
- If your baby has a blowout, just toss the outfit. Cute or not, it’s not worth the battle against the stain.
- You’ll hear conflicting advice about letting babies cry it out. Ignore the noise and make your own choices. It’ll be fine.
- If someone judges your feeding choices, whether it’s bottle or breast, cut them out of your life. In a couple of years, that kid will be snacking off the floor anyway.
- Sometimes babies cry for no reason at all. When that happens, put them down in their crib and enjoy some cookies. Cookies are crucial.
- If you’re out of ideas for play, just lie on the floor and let them crawl over you. It’s like a free massage, and they think it’s a blast.
- People will ask which parent the baby resembles, but honestly, newborns look like tiny versions of potato sacks. Just pick a parent and move on.
- It’s perfectly okay to harbor a secret disdain for non-parents who complain about being tired.
- Watch out—babies will tug on your hair, lips, and eyelids like they’re playthings. Keep your guard up!
- There will be a glorious phase when your baby can sit up but can’t crawl. Take full advantage of that stillness—it won’t last long!
- Be prepared for strangers and overly friendly kids to touch your baby. Don’t hesitate to politely tell them to back off.
- Your life now revolves around the baby’s schedule. They don’t care about your job or sleep; plan accordingly.
- Forget about pants with a proper waist. After sleepless nights, jeans and belts feel like a prison sentence.
- Caffeine is your best friend. Embrace it wholeheartedly; it’ll help you survive.
These tips should ease you into the chaos of parenting. Of course, there are more nuggets of wisdom out there, but this list should give you a solid start. If you’ve got your own tips, feel free to share in the comments! Remember, parenting takes a village.
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Summary
Navigating parenthood can be overwhelming, but these 20 straightforward tips will help you better understand your baby and the chaos of early parenting. From practical advice about diaper changes to coping mechanisms for when your baby won’t stop crying, this list is designed to prepare you for the reality of life with an infant.