As my children have transitioned into their teenage years, our approach to discipline has evolved. Let’s be honest, a 12-year-old sitting in a time-out chair looks a bit ridiculous, right? We’ve customized our disciplinary methods to fit each child’s unique personality and have put considerable thought into turning misbehavior into valuable learning experiences. It’s often said that every child has their own form of motivation, and for my kids, the best responses come from losing certain privileges or taking on an extra chore when they misstep. We talk through their mistakes and assign consequences that are fair yet firm, tailored to their teenage “crimes.” We believe that keeping a mistake hanging over their heads does more harm than good, and we don’t think prolonging a punishment helps them grasp the long-term effects of their actions.
That’s why grounding isn’t part of our disciplinary toolkit.
Back in my day, I vividly remember riding my bike on a scorching summer afternoon, hoping to find a friend to join me in exploring the neighborhood. I’d pedal over to her house, knock on the screen door, and wait, heart racing with excitement. But when she finally emerged, her face was glum. “I can’t ride today,” she said, “I lied to my mom and now I’m grounded for a week.” As I trudged back home in my dorky jumper and tube socks, I couldn’t help but feel that grounding was a punishment not only for her but for me too.
Sadly, today’s kids don’t have the same freedoms as we did. Gone are the days of carefree bike rides and spontaneous street games. Nowadays, kids are often glued to their screens, engaging in digital interactions rather than real-life ones. This generational shift means my kids won’t be standing at the door reporting their social privileges have been revoked for an entire week.
No matter their slip-up, my teens will still attend their friends’ birthday parties or the Friday night football game. These moments are essential for their social development, just as crucial as their math homework. We learned to communicate face-to-face because social media wasn’t around to limit our interactions. I want my kids to experience the thrill of seeing a crush walk into a party or the collective excitement of a crowd cheering for a last-minute goal. With so few chances to connect in person, it feels unjust to rob them of these precious moments as punishment for a mistake. Just like they need to practice piano or grasp geometry, they also need to hone their social skills during these formative years. Plus, who really wants to be stuck at home with a moody teenager? Not me, that’s for sure.
Moreover, grounding can negatively impact their responsibilities to teams or clubs. For example, benching a daughter from the basketball team due to some sass or preventing a son from participating in a school play places undue pressure on them and their peers. I’d rather engage in a meaningful conversation about their behavior and assign consequences that reflect our values instead of embarrassing them publicly for typical teenage slip-ups. Honestly, aside from extreme cases like drugs or violence, I struggle to think of any teen misbehavior that warrants a week of isolation or missing out on social interactions.
More often than not, my husband and I opt to take away social media privileges or limit their favorite shows rather than resorting to grounding. We want our teens to develop into socially aware individuals, even if they’re navigating a different world than we did. It’s our responsibility to ensure that the consequences we implement teach them valuable lessons about becoming good people. We don’t want to use their friendships or social activities as leverage for good behavior. Being a teenager these days is tough enough; kids need their friends more than ever, and I refuse to hinder their social growth.
While I’m lenient about grounding, my kids know not to test my boundaries. I control the iPads, drive them to activities, and manage their social calendars. I may not ground them, but I can certainly pull the plug on their screen time without a second thought.
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In summary, I’ve chosen not to ground my kids as a discipline tactic because I believe that social interactions are crucial for their development. Instead of isolating them, we focus on teaching valuable lessons through discussions and appropriate consequences.